Reasonably Educated Bumpkins

(Photo stolen from tusptangar on Flickr)

We bumpkins have been accused of seeking entertainment in the growth of grass, in the drying of paint. Well, that last one's true, but I'm here to tell you that most of what you hear about the denizens of rural America is false. Made up. Hooey. Hokum. Malarkey. Balderdash.*

We amuse ourselves in all sorts of ways that don't involve the p a i n f u l l y s l o w passage of time. The photo above, for instance. Do you know what that cow is doing? She's ruminating, of course. Also, wondering just what in heck these crazy people are up to now. But most of all, she's processing her dinner, and any minute now she's going to lift her tail out of the way and . . . and that's where the checkerboard comes into play. It's called Cow Pie Bingo. Whichever square is anointed by this cow -- ain't she a beauty, by the way? -- wins big, big money for whichever lucky bum(s) bet on the pooped-on square. After it's all over the spectators all go home to finish watching the paint dry.

Out here in the country, an impressive panoply of activities is available: there are tractor pulls, destruction derbies, rodeo events, quilting bees, livestock auctions, barn dances, harvest festivals, and even mutton busting. (The photo below shows mutton busting for what it really is: a child's death-defying ride on a domestic sheep, a vicious animal known for wild and unpredictable ways. Good heavens, that boy may get wool rug burns!)

(Photo stolen from this guy)

There is one activity, however, that eludes us. I'm talking about, of course, cow tipping.

(Photo stolen from these folks)

Whole web sites have been dedicated to debunking the idea that such an activity is actually possible. I'm not going to bore you with the physics, even if I knew them. I will tell you my personal beliefs about cow tipping, in no particular order.

~ Cows sleep on PosturePedic mattresses, just like the rest of us. Good luck finding a cow that actually sleeps standing up.

~ Trying to sneak up on a cow is about as easy as herding a cat.

~ Once you have successfully sneaked up upon and startled a static cow, you will discover that she is as big as Grandpa's Buick, and almost as maneuverable. But not quite.

~ The catch bull assigned to any given pasture with dozing cows will not find your cow tipping attempts NEARLY as funny as you do.

~ Cow tipping was invented for frat boys, by (and for the amusement of) the people who brought you snipe hunting. How would you like your snipe cooked, Bluto?

So let's recap. Lots and lots of activities out here in the sticks. Have I been to any of the above-mentioned laugh riots? Nope. Well, two. But I was dragged there against my will. Okay, I lied -- I've been to a few of them. But even bumpkins can get our tractor pulls on ESPN 2.

Back to what I was doing.

*We are nothing if not colorful, however.