What is Love?
Love is simply friendship, set on fire. ~unknown
A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are ~unknown
They say that anger is just love disappointed.
They say that love is just a state of mind…
~Eagles
It's written about, it's sung about, we watch stories about it in movies, and dream about it at night, alone in bed. Love. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; sexual passion or desire. Love up, for love, in love, make love. Tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration. A deep and enduring emotional regard. It consumes so many conversations, and thoughts, and dreams.
What is love? Is love the uncontrollable desire for his body? Is it an all consuming, absolute, uncontrollable emotion? Is it life altering and fervent? Or is love simple, and uncomplicated, effortless? Is it solid, and comfortable, and pure? Recurring and unyielding? Is love the uncontrollable yearning that devours you, until you both are left feeling empty and drained, and the passion fizzles away and you slowly fade into the future? Or is love a craving for companionship fulfilled; a connection between two souls, support, encouragement, and security; everlasting? Is love a night filled with bodily passion, or is it a night spent holding each other after a long day? Is it vulnerability, or strength? Is love turning your back on him, and allowing him to go his own way, because all you truly want is him to be happy? Or is it clinging and fighting, because the wounds of the battle would be worth the reward of having him love you back? Is it real and genuine and unadulterated? Or is it unreliable, weak, and insubstantial? Is it true, or fake? Authentic or counterfeit? Forged in reality or a dream? Is love the stuff life is made of, or is it the stuff life is constructed around?
We all know what love is, and yet when I try to describe it, words fail. A definition is lacking, and without definition, how can it be real. And if it is not real, why do I feel so lost without it? Is love simply a state of mind, could I just easily say, "I am in love," and have it be true? Or is it the need to feel loved in return that I am really craving? And if that is the case, how do I achieve this state of mind? Reciprocation or conference? What does it mean when I say, "I love you?" Do I mean I have profound feelings for the person you are, or do I mean I have extreme thanks for how you make me feel? Is it selfless or selfish? Give or take? Fill or be fulfilled?
I thought love was friendship, solid and unyielding, mixed with passion and sprinkled with sexual desire. I thought love was being there for each other, developing a relationship both in and out of the bedroom (or kitchen, or living room, or shower). Knowing each other body and soul. But I seem to find these two facets estranged, as if there has been some large skirmish between the heart and the mind, causing the two to disengage. This conflict between the ability to love sexually and the ability to love emotionally has caused me to become confused and unable to break through the inconsistency. I want so badly to have them both, but it seems an unachievable dream. Am I shooting for the stars, setting unrealistic goals, being too romantic? Or have I just not found the right situation, the right guy, the right moment? Am I being unreasonable and setting myself up to fail, or should I keep forging on? Can I find contentment without success, or am I doomed to a life of melancholy? Will I ever be enough for someone to love, or will I always fall just shy of the mark?
Is love finite, or is it an amalgamation? What is love?
Technorati: relationships, dating, love, real love, question
February 27, 2007
Dating Up?
There is nothing more exciting to a single girl than the prospect of a first date. Suddenly you find yourself full of optimism at the anticipation of possibly, finally, meeting “The One.” A naturally caustic nature, developed over numerous bad dates and single months, is thrown out the window and replaced with an idealistic sanguinity.
It is this anticipation of the best possible outcome which sometimes permits otherwise reasonable single girls to make exceptions to their dating criterion, and embark on experiences with men who possibly border on substandard.
I very recently found myself in this dreadful dating conundrum. I began chitchatting with a man, whom, had I been thinking clearly, never would have gotten past, “Hi, what’s your name?” but instead, through the mystic power of desperation, had been allowed to converse with me at a local Chico hangout. His overflowing abundance of confidence started pooling at my feet as soon as he began speaking, and in a very short amount of time I was plotting fervently my escape from this egocentric individual, while trying to keep my expensive shoes from getting covered in his blithe interface.
When I got home, and removed the slather of assertion I was covered in, I sat down to ponder this situation. How did someone with a complete lack of socially accepted behavior procure the confidence to approach a cool chick like me? Was I giving off a signal which led him to believe it was gratifying to be approached by an odious male? Or was he so foolishly convinced of his modish traits, he felt we were somehow on the same level? I was so clearly in another league.
Which opened another quandary, are there dating levels?
Is there a cosmic ranking system of human quality, which is used to classify whom we should, and should not, date? And if so, is it faux pas to date up or down?
This led me to another recent experience. There is a male-type-drink-server in town whom I have a colossal crush on. I have modestly flirted with said male, but that has been the extent of our interaction. It’s not that I’m a shy person, or that I feel guys need to make the first move. The fact of the matter is, I am so completely intimidated by him, I wouldn’t know where to start. He is gorgeous, and funny, and extremely outgoing, and I trip over my tongue every time I try to talk to him. Flirtatious banter comes out as haphazard blather, my cheeks turn red, and I often feel like Simon just told me I wasn’t going to Hollywood while Paula and Randy snicker in the background. He is so clearly out of my league.
So maybe there are people who are just out of our league. And possibly it is dating people in a different league, or even different game, which leads to incompatibility in relationships. My inability to effectively communicate with either of these two men is a perfect example of this. Neither of them understood my intentions, caught my hints, or were really interested in me at all. There are different rules, different fouls, and timeouts mean two different things. And although the idea of getting moved up from the minors is fun, would I ever be good enough?
Perhaps that’s my problem, I’ve just been dating outside my league!
Technorati: relationships, dating, men, dating up, league
February 26, 2007
Need vs. Want
I was attempting to tell him I didn’t think it was going to work; it was too much too fast, when he began to question my logic. I find this to be an honest reaction. When someone is saying something you don’t want to hear, you challenge their beliefs. It’s usually a sign of emotional dedication, coupled with a desire to continue a relationship (as opposed to ending it). Because I was not very emotionally invested, I found his questioning to be annoying.
I told him what I wanted: convenient companionship – or better stated, companionship that was convenient. What dose that mean? It’s having someone to spend time with, and do things with, and be intimate with; without all the commitment and intensity that comes with “dating” and “relationships.” Hanging out when it’s opportune for both people and not getting bitter when one person has other plans. Allowing both people to have a life, and yet sharing that life when the need arises.
I told him what I needed: freedom to do my own thing, time to take it slow, and room to breathe. My life is very busy, and as caustic as it may sound, I don’t make time for just anyone. He wasn’t valuing the time I was giving him, and he was expecting more than I was ready to give, so I was irritated and ready to walk away. He didn’t respect my boundaries.
I told him I could get what I needed elsewhere; so if he couldn’t handle it, it wasn’t a big deal.
He looked at me and asked, “If you’ve already got everything you need, then why did you want to meet me?”
Fair question, considering I had basically just told him to go fly a kite. It’s a question that got me thinking. If I am so happy with convenient companionship, then why am I on the constant hunt for a relationship? The answer is simple:
It’s the difference between need and want.
A need is a physiological or psychological requirement for well-being. A want is a strong desire for something. A need is something essential to our existence. A want is a craving for something extra. All too often, the two are interchanged, intermingled, and confused. Too often we think we need our wants, and are devastated when we do not get them.
To be in a healthy, loving relationship a person needs to be mentally and emotionally sound, to understand themselves, and be secure in who they are. They need to know what they need, and how to get it. Otherwise, a tendency towards co-dependency and drama will prevail. This is completely separate from wanting something, and making strides towards getting the things we want.
I need food, I want a new Mustang.
I need air, I want to be a millionaire.
I need companionship, I want a relationship.
It’s the difference between the essentials, and the fringe benefits.
That’s why I wanted to meet him, because I have what I need, now I’m looking for what I want. And the fantabulos thing about wants: I don’t have to settle.
So you see, I don’t need a relationship, I want one. And I’ve had plenty of experience testing the validity of my desires. And I’ve grown very picky!
But, honestly, is that a bad thing?
Technorati: relationships, dating, want, need
February 23, 2007
Real Men, What A Man Is Not, Point #5
Definition of a man: What a man is not
Point #5: The "X Factor"
A man would not bring up the "X Factor" inappropriately. A man would understand the danger of the "X Factor" and the appropriate time to discuss the graveyard of relationships past. A man would comprehend the need of a woman to listen, be helpful, and understanding; and that it's ok to discuss these things with one another, but in bed, during intimate moments and on dates, would not be the time to bring them up.
I am sure I could go on and on with pet-peeves of mine like not returning phone calls, not following through on what you say you're going to do, not making plans, and constantly changing your mind on what you want. But these traits can be contributed to bad manners, and may be more a sign of bad breeding rather than not being a man. Therefore, we will stick to these 5 points; they seem to be more universally and easily applied.
Disclaimer: This definition is a work in progress, much like the development of a man, and has changed and morphed since its original conception, I hope it continues to do so. Since the first declaration of manhood, I have met a couple of Peter Pan's whom are making a serious attempt at manhood, and I think they should be recognized and commended. So my caustic nature has been diminished, if only ever so slightly, and I now have a glimmer of hope at the possibility of someday finding a man. If anyone desires to prove me wrong, I am currently accepting applications, now hiring, one man.
Want to read more? Check out my blog iconoclastic
Technorati: relationships, dating, men, real men, x factor
February 22, 2007
Real Men, What A Man Is Not, Point #4
Definition of a man: What a man is not
Point #4: Fear
A man is not someone who refuses to enter into a relationship simply because they are afraid of being hurt, unable to discuss emotion, scared of getting trapped, etc. Therefore, a man would understand their reservations and would choose to a) deal with them in a healthy way by analyzing their feelings and attempting to grow through communication and mutual understanding or b) simply not get into a relationship situation until they have chosen option a, which is a sign of acting responsibly.
Let me further explain what "not getting into a relationship situation" means. You do not kiss a woman, become intimate with a woman, or cross the friendship boundary line unless you want to be more than friends and are willing to deal with the responsibility that comes with that decision, or you have discussed the situation and reciprocate the idea of it being "friends with benefits" (this is a very dangerous situation to get into for both men (or Peter Pans) and women and should be entered into with extreme caution!) see Point #2
Tomorrow Point #5: The “X” Factor
Want to read more? Check out my blog iconoclastic
Technorati: relationships, dating, men, real men, fear
February 21, 2007
Real Men, What A Man Is Not, Point #3
Definition of a man: What a man is not
Point #3: Honesty
A man is not scared to tell you how he feels, good or bad. Hence, if a man likes you, he would not play games, run away, or act funny, he would simply state that he likes you and wait for your response. And if a man does not like you, he would not just stop returning your calls, continue to sleep with you until something better comes along, or sleep with you and other women at the same time, he would declare that he does not like you, give you a valid reason, and walk away.
WARNING: There are some Peter Pan's out there masquerading as men, who think by telling you one thing and doing another, they are fulfilling their obligation of communicating their feelings. Do not be fooled! So,
Point #3: Addendum
A man would not hide behind fake communication to pursue his own agenda. A man understands that actions speak louder than words. Therefore, they would never, for example, say they are not ready for a relationship and just want to be friends, and then kiss a woman. They would understand this is a mixed signal, and unfair. A man would think before he acts, and not allow sexual desire to overpower his inherent necessity to care for others and not hurt them. "This was not supposed to happen" is not an acceptable excuse for hasty actions for a man. See Point #4.
Tomorrow Point 4: Fear
Want to read more? Check out my blog iconoclastic
Technorati: relationships, dating, men, real men, honesty
February 20, 2007
Real Men, What A Man is Not, Point #2
Definition of a man: What a man is not
Point #2: False Pretense
A man does not sleep with a woman under the pretense of love when all they want is sex. Thus it follows; a man would be honest and upfront with their intentions, feelings and emotions. Not taking advantage of a woman's inherent ability to associate sex with love and misleading a woman into thinking they cared for her because they are sleeping with her.
Friends with benefits is ok, if you have both decided it is just friends with benefits.
CAUTION: It is my experience that eventually someone will start to feel more than just friendship and sexual prowess, therefore, this situation should not be entered into unless there is a high level of communication and understanding between the two people (a.k.a. do not enter into this situation with a Peter Pan, it is a recipe for disaster!) And will usually end in someone, or both parties, getting hurt. My personal recommendation is hold out on the sex and wait until a real man comes along, but I know, that means you may be waiting a REALLY long time!
Tomorrow Point #3: Honesty
Technorati: relationships, dating, men, real men, false pretense
February 19, 2007
Real Men, What A Man Is Not, Point #1
I was having a conversation one day when I offhandedly made a comment about not believing that men exist (I think they have gone the way of dinosaurs and dodo birds is close to my exact comment) when I was asked a thought-provoking question.
What is a man? For there must be a definition of what one is, to know they do not exist.
An interesting piece of logic, definitely worth considering, especially when brought to my attention by a member of the opposite sex. I honestly could not answer, and that is a rare occurrence! This question has since been plaguing my thoughts, what is a man? What does one have to do to become a man? How do men act, feel, think?
It is like asking someone what an enjoyable experience is, not everyone will agree to one answer. Some people may find a nice foot massage after a long day at work to be an enjoyable event, yet the thought of someone touching my feet gives me the heebie-jeebies. YUCK!
Anyway, back to men, after pouring over this conundrum for many an hour I have come to this conclusion: having not ever met a man, I do not know what one is. But I feel I can give convincing examples of what a man is not, therefore, this will be definition by process of elimination.
Let me digress for a moment and give rationalization to my logic, so as not to confuse anyone. Yes, I am aware there are humans walking around in the world that have male-type anatomy parts, whom we refer to as men. This is not exactly what I'm talking about. I am discussing more the relationship/commitment/love aspect of the human condition, as opposed to the anatomical one. The counterpart of a man is, of course, Peter Pan (you know, the 'I don't wanna grow up' syndrome).
That being said, let us return to the topic at hand.
Definition of a man: What a man is not
Point #1: Selflessness
A man is not self-centered. As a result, a man would care about others as much as he cares about himself. He would know how to be selfless, and when a situation called for empathy and support, he would gladly step up and help those he cares for. A man also knows that although his time is valuable, spending time with the people he cares for is very important and would go out of his way to make special time for the people in his life. He would give everything he had to prevent hurting someone he cared for, even if it meant sacrificing something he wanted, because the well being of others is more important than his personal desires.
Tomorrow Point #2: False Pretense
Technorati: relationships, dating, men, real men, fear
February 16, 2007
Top 10 Worst Kisses
Ahhh, the first kiss. What a wonderful moment! Something to fantasize about when you are deeply in like with someone. I sit and daydream about him slowly moving in and smiling, and I close my eyes and imagine him gently pushing his lips against mine. Then rewind and replay, until I have thoroughly plotted out the entire event. And, when the moment arrives, and he slowly moves in and smiles, I start to close my eyes, then pause, because I want to see this movie moment in action, and find myself …. ducking and screaming because I’m being attacked by dragon face, he’s coming straight at me, lips curled and tongue protruding, and I wasn’t even prepared.
Could there be anything worse than a bad kisser? At my age this is completely unacceptable! Hasn’t there been a partner, sometime in their dating history, who liked them enough to say, “Hey, you’re not so good at the whole kissing thing, let me teach you how”? I have come across a number of bad kissers; it’s not an isolated incident, and what do you do; besides politely wipe the slobber from your face and excuse yourself, escape route in mind? I think it’s time to start talking about it, if I was a bad kisser I’d want help improving, so lets discuss the top 10 kissing offenses we are guilty of, in no particular order:
Offense #1:
Dragon Face. I start with the dragon face, because it is a newly acquired kissing mishap in my life. And the mental image still gives me the heebie jeebies! This poor man went in for this kiss, at a particularly awkward moment, with his lips curled back in a lizard-esque smile, his tongue pointing out of his mouth, the tip wiggling at me as if to say, “Hello baby, here I come.” I didn’t want to be rude, so I pulled away, smiled, and said I needed to go home. I couldn’t kiss Dragon Face guy, I just couldn’t! This inept style of kissing was frightening, and kissing should never invoke fear.
Offense #2:
The slobberobbergus. You know the guy who manages to hit every spot on your face with his tongue other than your lips. It’s like he closes his eyes and his directionally challenged tongue is going on an expedition of your face, destination: mouth, never to be found. And when you pull away, wondering if there is any reminisce of makeup left, he is slyly grinning at you, as if he has just opened you up to a new experience. And he has, you now know what a small child feels like when the big St. Bernard won’t quit licking its face, and you get the urge to cry as well.
Offense #3:
The Bird Beak. This is characterized by a hard tongue shape, moving in a rapid manner inside of the mouth of kissing partner, usually in a back and fourth motion. The tongue is not meant to be a ridged body part. Its purpose is soft, and gentle and probing. Not stiff, and abrasive, and thrusting. There are other body parts which can be appropriately used for those activities, don’t let your tongue steal their thunder. (Thanks Suzy!)
Offense #4:
Just eaten/bad breath. Now this is just rude! Behavior of this nature is not due to bad technique or nervousness; this is simply bad manners at their finest. You NEVER put food in your mouth, chew, and then move in for a kiss (I added chew as my disclaimer for the ever-so-seductive sharing of the food maneuver, which is totally acceptable when done correctly). But partially masticated food should not be shared between partners, it’s just gross! Garlic, onions and cigerettes, oh my! Remember, if it tastes funky to you, it will to your kissing accomplice as well.
Offense #5:
The black hole. This is another universally experienced bad kiss. When you look up and see a wide open mouth coming at you, a spacious span between top teeth and bottom teeth, and the fear of being consumed by this approaching black hole mixed with a sadistic curiosity of what you’d find if you stuck your head in there and explored overwhelms you; you know you’ve been a victim of the black hole. The only hope you have to turn and run before you’re devoured.
Offense #6:
The soul sucker. He slowly moves in and smiles, and he gently presses his lips to yours, and then you suddenly feel as if you’ve entered a void and all air is being extracted from your body at a rate faster than you can replace it. And as you fight to retain ownership of your soul, which is slowly being removed from your body, you struggle to detach from this vacummous power. Take a deep breath, and possibly refrain from the second kiss.
Offense #7:
The teeth fighter. Yes, teeth are in the mouth, and sometimes we all get a little excited and there is a minor fender-bender. When this is a constant occurrence, there is a definite problem! The teeth fighter feels their deadly weapon is actually a turn on, and proceeds to hit you with their teeth numerous times in varied ways. Eventually, you find yourself bleeding with a fat lip, and a not so great memory of the kiss. (Thanks Liz!)
Offense #8:
Scab chin. This is the guy who kisses with such ferocity of chin movement, mixed with the small grouping of pubic hair on his face, that minor chafage occurs. The next day you have a dry spot resembling a scab on your chin which hurts when you talk. Girls, it’s ok, we’ve all been there. Wear your scab proudly, especially if he was cute, but remember this make-out-war-wound, and try to steer clear of the chin action in your next canoodling session.
Offense #9:
The Marathon Kisser. Kissing is a wonderful and fun activity, and I understand the desire to never want to stop; but reality check, breathing is an essential part to sustaining life! We all need to do it. WARNING: occupation in lip locking for over 20 minutes can cause minor birth defects, brain damage from lack of oxygen, and a really sore tongue. Give it a break, take a breath, start off slow, and leave your smooching rival wanting more. This is not a race to the finish, unless you want to be finished. (Thanks Tammi!)
Offense #10:
Tonsil Hockey. No, this is not a real sport, and your tongue does not belong down my throat! This type of behavior is most often distinguished by a feeling of your stomach contents being searched, and nervousness over the onions you ate for dinner the night before… you never know, they could be discovered. On a serious note: there is an imaginary line drawn between the last molars in any persons mouth with a little sign that says, “Do not cross go, do not collect another kiss from me.” So if last kiss is the goal, by all means, forge ahead; otherwise politely backup and continue you exploration.
Are there any kissing experiences you’d like to add to the list?
Technorati: relationships, dating, kissing, love, women, men
February 15, 2007
Free Beef?
I got my tires changed the other day.
I know this seems a mundane activity, but I don’t know anything about cars, so it was a tad stressful for me. It was like trying to buy shoes for someone else, I didn’t know what size, what style, or what tread would go best with my car. And the entire time I felt like a complete nim-rod because the men I was dealing with were treating me like an idiot. Hello, I have no idea what I’m doing, of course I’m an idiot!
Then, to make matters worse, the day of my appointment it’s pouring down rain, so I walk into this tire-changing-establishment looking comparable to a drowned rat, to be helped by a completely adorable guy standing behind the counter. Thanks karma! I already felt like an idiot, now I have to like one too. Just this once, couldn’t it be a balding, fat, mid-40’s married guy?
I mustered as much self confidence as I could to mumble my name, car make, and model, to the hottie I knew was thinking to himself, dose this girl own a mirror? Gave him my keys and scurried over to the sitting area to wait. I was cleaning out my purse and fighting a headache from the overwhelming stench of rubber, after straightening out my hair and checking my makeup, when they called me back to the counter a mere 20 minutes later.
I got up, almost tripped, and walked over to the counter completely stripped of any coolness that may have been lingering. Adorable guy smiled and began a flirtatious lecture on how dangerous my car was because the tires were so bald, and I should get them rotated at blah-blah-blah miles, and replace them after yadda yadda, and was taking my credit card from my hand when he looked me straight in the face and asked, “Do you want your free beef?”
Huh?!?
Did he really just ask me if I wanted beef?
“What did you say?” I asked, completely dumfounded.
“Your free beef,” he said pointing.
With all the flirting going on, I was completely confused. So I traced his muscular arm and strong, grease smeared fingers to the box on the counter that read: Free Beef Party Pack.
Huh!?!
I’m at a tire store, why is there beef here? And why is adorable guy offering me a box of beef, instead of his number? And who puts beef in a box at a tire store?
The look on my face must have betrayed the inner workings of my mind, because he looked at me and we both turned a slight shade of pink. And I quickly singed for my new tires, which had damaged my pride more than my bank account, grabbed my box of beef, and dashed out of there post-haste!
Free beef? I mean really! Where dose a tire store go to buy its beef? Or do they make it; is it the remains of irritating customers? Doesn’t it seem odd to eat perishable foods from a store filled from roof to ceiling with toxic rubber products?
And shouldn’t adorable guys refrain from asking girls they’ve been flirting with if they want free beef?
Technorati: relationships, dating, free beef
February 14, 2007
I am a Woman, Seeking a Man
I have become completely consumed with the phenomena of technology in today's society; most particularly, internet dating. I am fascinated by this modern state of affairs. Mass media is flooded with advertisements for a plethora of dating sites now available, each claiming to have found the perfect way to locate your ideal partner. All of us have seen them, and all of us have thought about trying them! Some of us have actually been desperate enough to sink, into what I feel, has become a new societal low. We have, in fact, answered the excess of superficial questions; obsessed for hours over the composition of the perfect 250 min to 2000 max characters which best describe us; found the precise picture to depict our natural beauty; and plunged into the world of internet dating. I am seriously spellbound with this emerging dating culture. And I will admit, much to my personal humiliation, I have tried it; it was a dismal failure! So, when a friend of mine, who publishes a webzine, asked me to write an article on pop-culture, I did not have a hard time finding my topic of interest.
Whenever you are writing about something, it is best to research your subject matter thoroughly, that way you sound like an authoritative source of information. Therefore, I decided to traverse some of the more popular dating websites, just to see what they were like. I navigated the first site with little trouble, and much laughter, as I read taglines like "Monstrous prick searching for Ms. Right," and "Love Sucks, lust happens," I slowly sipped my coffee, and became extremely judgmental of the types of people who would use these sites. This was my first mistake. You see, when you judge other people, karma usually will find a way to smack you in the back of the head and remind you to be more accepting... don't worry, the smack is coming.
After getting as much information on the new male pattern of attracting women as I could from this site, I moved on. The next site I visited asked me to fill out a questionnaire which possessed about a bazillion questions, all meant to help me find the perfect man. I answered them intently, contemplating long and hard about how long my index finger is, the size of hexagons, how I feel about exotic pets, the types of doodles I draw, and what my friends eat for appetizers at lunch on the second Sunday of every month; knowing that, according to Dr. Phil, this may finally lead me to the man of my dreams.
After entering all this extremely personal information into the relationship database, I pressed the button that was magically going to answer all the questions I have been asking for so long:
See Your Matches
I waited with apprehension as all over the world, computers connected, searching file after file, record after record, to find that one man who would fulfill my every desire. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach when a screen popped up:
You have 4 matches
Wow! There really are four men out there who, according to the new dating guru's, would be perfect for me? I was extremely excited as I clicked on the blue hyper-link and watched the pictures of my four perfect men load onto the computer screen, eager to see what the authority on relationships had brought me, and then... OH HOLY BEGEBERS!
I attempted to catch my breath as the vomit gurgled up in my stomach and I did a triple take at the screen; three of the four perfect men staring back at me from cyberspace were ex's of mine. Three of the four! How could this be possible? These were failed relationships, these were men I have already dated; didn't the relationship database know this? Weren't my relationship guru's savvy in the fundamentals of finding me a match? Wasn't this an intense blow to my overtly critical opinion on internet dating?
I quickly ducked under my desk, to make sure these three men couldn't see me, put my head between my knees, and tried to make the room stop spinning. After about five minutes, I was able to stand, scramble for water and look into the faces of relationships past. After much debate, I hesitantly decided this may be the perfect way to research the usefulness of internet dating, swallowed my much damaged pride, and continued on my journey; because by doing this I would be able to remain a through, unflinching writer and researcher. Plus, let's be honest, I was a little curious just how well we all matched up.
My number four match was a semi-attractive man of 28, who, had I not found him on an internet dating site, may have been mildly attractive to me. Not that big of a deal, I can handle this.
My number three match was just a tool! I dated him for about 5 seconds, and it ended in me kicking him out of my house and him stalking me for 3 months. No emotional baggage there, but uhhh, excuse me, my perfect match is someone who gave me nightmares? This is not looking so good!
My number two match is a guy I dated a million years ago, and with whom I am still friends. The reason it didn't work between us is because when we meet, I wasn't interested in a relationship, friends just works better for us. Problem with him is: I am extremely positive he has a girlfriend, having just dined with them. Opps, you got caught honey. Oh, and I'm supposed to end up with a guy I would rather be friends with and is basically cheating on said girlfriend? Hmmmm... this is looking rather dismal!
Finally, the climatic match number one, only one more sickening profile to glance at and I can redeem my value as a respectable writer and get off this site. But this one was going to sting a bit.
This particular person is a recent ex, ex being the key word here, and there is too much emotional confusion for me to even really comment, except to say that sometimes life really messes with you! The reason we aren't together is because he doesn't want me, my match number one doesn't want me. This was harsh!
I felt it may be time to take a research break, or quickly slit my wrists with my very dull desk scissors. So, my brush with internet dating complete, I hit the magical red x at the top of the screen which somehow assisted me in breathing again, and sat staring into oblivion. Then it hit me, the utter and complete humiliation I had just under gone; it started with a little giggle, and grew, and grew, until I was crying I was laughing so hard. I had faced the equivalent of a dating natural disaster, and it was actually quite funny! I obviously had wandered into my own personal twilight zone, and I could sit and be depressed about it, or I could find the absolutely random humor of the situation and move on with life.
Even after this unpleasant experience, I am still working on my article about internet dating, but I am staying away from a certain website, as I feel it is an inadequate source of information (and I don't enjoy holding back throw-up). And through my research I have learned a lot:
1. Internet dating sites really are crap (this helps me cope, just go with it)
2. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss
3. My love life really is pathetic, because even the experts can't find me the perfect man (and match number one doesn't want me... but let’s not talk about that one)
AND, most importantly
4. At least I can still laugh at life! he he he
Technorati: relationships, dating, love, single, internet dating
February 13, 2007
Iconoclastic
December 31st, 2005. It’s 11:00 pm on New Year’s Eve; and after sneaking into my best friends bedroom with the guy I’ve been seeing for the past 5 months, looking New Years fabulous, and hoping to pull off a festive quickie before hitting the bars, I’ve just been dumped!
A feeling of surreal this-kind-of-drama-only-happens-in-the-movies sensation has just passed over my alcohol warmed body. I boldly look at the man that, had circumstances been different, I very easily could have fallen in love with, and ask, “Can we just pretend we didn’t have that conversation?”
In a drunken, last ditch effort to not be alone I give him a great blow job and we have sex. Then we walk back to my place in the early morning hour drunken stagger that so effortlessly defined our dilapidated relationship and watch Ryan Seacrest bring in the New Year. Hell, I even got a kiss.
And as we slip out of our clothes and into each others arms for a night of deep drunken slumber and the synchronized sleep we often maneuvered together I thought to myself I must have changed his mind.
The morning brought more than just light into my hung over eyes; it also shed its harsh rays on my life. The hardest being when he climbed into my car, looked at me as he had so many times before, and asked, “So are we going to be friends, or are you going to hate me?”
Man it’s time to rethink my life!
Fast-forward to today, and not much has changed. I am now a 26 year old college grad with 3 million ideas of what she wants in life, and zero motivation to do any of it. I live in Chico, CA – a college town I was born in – and the only reason I’m still here is because I have a 15 year old brother I’m devoted too, and I can’t leave him. My degree in gender studies, and my ability to speak my mind with hard-biting fast wit, gives me the reputation of a hard-core feminist who doesn’t take nonsense from anyone. Unless, that is, I’m dating you, and then for some reason, it’s ok to treat me like crap, because apparently I’ve lost all respect for myself.
I guess the world of academia has enabled me to separate my mind from my body, a neat compartmentalization of my being. My dating behavior is a montage of bad decisions and hilarious mishaps that none of my friends believe could actually happen to me. It’s as if there are two people living my life. The Meagan who has intellectual conversations and hangs with her wonderful friends and the Meagan who dates… dun dun dunnnnn!
Iconoclastic is about trying to get these two people to meet. It’s my journey through life, love and relationships. The questions I’m faced with, the answers I find, and the road I traveled to find them. Because if I wasn’t me, who would I be?
Technorati: relationships, dating, love, life, iconoclastic