Iconoclastic

After getting as much information on the new male pattern of attracting women as I could from this site, I moved on. The next site I visited asked me to fill out a questionnaire which possessed about a bazillion questions, all meant to help me find the perfect man. I answered them intently, contemplating long and hard about how long my index finger is, the size of hexagons, how I feel about exotic pets, the types of doodles I draw, and what my friends eat for appetizers at lunch on the second Sunday of every month; knowing that, according to Dr. Phil, this may finally lead me to the man of my dreams.

After entering all this extremely personal information into the relationship database, I pressed the button that was magically going to answer all the questions I have been asking for so long:

See Your Matches

I waited with apprehension as all over the world, computers connected, searching file after file, record after record, to find that one man who would fulfill my every desire. Butterflies started fluttering in my stomach when a screen popped up:

You have 4 matches

Wow! There really are four men out there who, according to the new dating guru's, would be perfect for me? I was extremely excited as I clicked on the blue hyper-link and watched the pictures of my four perfect men load onto the computer screen, eager to see what the authority on relationships had brought me, and then... OH HOLY BEGEBERS!

I attempted to catch my breath as the vomit gurgled up in my stomach and I did a triple take at the screen; three of the four perfect men staring back at me from cyberspace were ex's of mine. Three of the four! How could this be possible? These were failed relationships, these were men I have already dated; didn't the relationship database know this? Weren't my relationship guru's savvy in the fundamentals of finding me a match? Wasn't this an intense blow to my overtly critical opinion on internet dating?

I quickly ducked under my desk, to make sure these three men couldn't see me, put my head between my knees, and tried to make the room stop spinning. After about five minutes, I was able to stand, scramble for water and look into the faces of relationships past. After much debate, I hesitantly decided this may be the perfect way to research the usefulness of internet dating, swallowed my much damaged pride, and continued on my journey; because by doing this I would be able to remain a through, unflinching writer and researcher. Plus, let's be honest, I was a little curious just how well we all matched up.

My number four match was a semi-attractive man of 28, who, had I not found him on an internet dating site, may have been mildly attractive to me. Not that big of a deal, I can handle this.

My number three match was just a tool! I dated him for about 5 seconds, and it ended in me kicking him out of my house and him stalking me for 3 months. No emotional baggage there, but uhhh, excuse me, my perfect match is someone who gave me nightmares? This is not looking so good!

My number two match is a guy I dated a million years ago, and with whom I am still friends. The reason it didn't work between us is because when we meet, I wasn't interested in a relationship, friends just works better for us. Problem with him is: I am extremely positive he has a girlfriend, having just dined with them. Opps, you got caught honey. Oh, and I'm supposed to end up with a guy I would rather be friends with and is basically cheating on said girlfriend? Hmmmm... this is looking rather dismal!

Finally, the climatic match number one, only one more sickening profile to glance at and I can redeem my value as a respectable writer and get off this site. But this one was going to sting a bit.

This particular person is a recent ex, ex being the key word here, and there is too much emotional confusion for me to even really comment, except to say that sometimes life really messes with you! The reason we aren't together is because he doesn't want me, my match number one doesn't want me. This was harsh!

I felt it may be time to take a research break, or quickly slit my wrists with my very dull desk scissors. So, my brush with internet dating complete, I hit the magical red x at the top of the screen which somehow assisted me in breathing again, and sat staring into oblivion. Then it hit me, the utter and complete humiliation I had just under gone; it started with a little giggle, and grew, and grew, until I was crying I was laughing so hard. I had faced the equivalent of a dating natural disaster, and it was actually quite funny! I obviously had wandered into my own personal twilight zone, and I could sit and be depressed about it, or I could find the absolutely random humor of the situation and move on with life.

Even after this unpleasant experience, I am still working on my article about internet dating, but I am staying away from a certain website, as I feel it is an inadequate source of information (and I don't enjoy holding back throw-up). And through my research I have learned a lot:

1. Internet dating sites really are crap (this helps me cope, just go with it)
2. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss
3. My love life really is pathetic, because even the experts can't find me the perfect man (and match number one doesn't want me... but let’s not talk about that one)
AND, most importantly
4. At least I can still laugh at life! he he he