Need vs. Want
I was attempting to tell him I didn’t think it was going to work; it was too much too fast, when he began to question my logic. I find this to be an honest reaction. When someone is saying something you don’t want to hear, you challenge their beliefs. It’s usually a sign of emotional dedication, coupled with a desire to continue a relationship (as opposed to ending it). Because I was not very emotionally invested, I found his questioning to be annoying.
I told him what I wanted: convenient companionship – or better stated, companionship that was convenient. What dose that mean? It’s having someone to spend time with, and do things with, and be intimate with; without all the commitment and intensity that comes with “dating” and “relationships.” Hanging out when it’s opportune for both people and not getting bitter when one person has other plans. Allowing both people to have a life, and yet sharing that life when the need arises.
I told him what I needed: freedom to do my own thing, time to take it slow, and room to breathe. My life is very busy, and as caustic as it may sound, I don’t make time for just anyone. He wasn’t valuing the time I was giving him, and he was expecting more than I was ready to give, so I was irritated and ready to walk away. He didn’t respect my boundaries.
I told him I could get what I needed elsewhere; so if he couldn’t handle it, it wasn’t a big deal.
He looked at me and asked, “If you’ve already got everything you need, then why did you want to meet me?”
Fair question, considering I had basically just told him to go fly a kite. It’s a question that got me thinking. If I am so happy with convenient companionship, then why am I on the constant hunt for a relationship? The answer is simple:
It’s the difference between need and want.
A need is a physiological or psychological requirement for well-being. A want is a strong desire for something. A need is something essential to our existence. A want is a craving for something extra. All too often, the two are interchanged, intermingled, and confused. Too often we think we need our wants, and are devastated when we do not get them.
To be in a healthy, loving relationship a person needs to be mentally and emotionally sound, to understand themselves, and be secure in who they are. They need to know what they need, and how to get it. Otherwise, a tendency towards co-dependency and drama will prevail. This is completely separate from wanting something, and making strides towards getting the things we want.
I need food, I want a new Mustang.
I need air, I want to be a millionaire.
I need companionship, I want a relationship.
It’s the difference between the essentials, and the fringe benefits.
That’s why I wanted to meet him, because I have what I need, now I’m looking for what I want. And the fantabulos thing about wants: I don’t have to settle.
So you see, I don’t need a relationship, I want one. And I’ve had plenty of experience testing the validity of my desires. And I’ve grown very picky!
But, honestly, is that a bad thing?
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