But. The most dreaded word in a relationship discourse, but. On the contrary, yet, except, unless, without the circumstance that, otherwise than, with the exception of, but. However, although, nevertheless, on the contrary, but. But.
The reason is usually valid, the rationale understandable. It is never said in spite or meant to be cruel. Nonetheless, it is a major blow to the ego, and I find myself spiraling down, sinking into the depths of insecurity and diffidence. Wondering, in all of my self-defeating splendor, when I will hear a sentence without a but. When will I be good enough? What is so wrong with me?
I know in my mind, it’s not about me, it’s about him. And all he’s doing is being honest, explaining his feelings to me, but
As I see it, I have two options; neither of them offering me a solution I feel is fair or just. I can stick around and see what happens, which will inevitably leave me sitting on the roadside of relationships gone wrong, wondering yet again why it was that he wasn’t ready with me, but the next relationship opportunity that happened along turned out to be “The One.” Or I can walk away, and miss out on a wonderful friendship with a perfect person, and spend the next six months wondering, “What if.”
Don’t get hurt? Is it really that simple? I guess it is, if I had followed my instinct, my pattern of self-preserving behavior, taken advantage of the fact he was a little vulnerable, proceeded with my “we’re just friends” mantra, and gotten what I wanted from the situation, while leaving myself plenty of running room, I could have gotten away without getting hurt. Why did I deviate? Why did I throw caution to the wind, and opt for the opportunity to possibly connect with another human being on an intimate level? What was it about him that made me take the chance? And why am I so reluctant to just say screw this and walk away? It has never been this hard before. Things start to get intimate, I feel like he may be starting to see through my layers, I turn and head for the hills. Why is this situation different?
In my hope of all hopes, I would want a chance with him. I think it could work. I know it would take some work, but there is an unspoken understanding between our core beings, a similar thought of existence, that makes me wonder what life would be like with him. Yet circumstance is working in opposition, and life is taking its spiteful turn, and I feel as if fate is consistently plotting against me. So I am left with making the decision, do I want to hurt a little now, or a lot later? Do I walk away, or take a humongous chance? Is a relationship with him, in whatever form it may take, worth risking my heart being broken again? And could I survive it? What is it that I want? What is it that he wants? Is the amazing reward of being in a happy relationship worth taking the chance of total devastation?
As the questions stumble forward, in an unending stream between my head and my heart, I have to stop and wonder; why is it so hard to just be happy?
The Wonderful World of Dating: a semi-caustic look at dating in todays world, given from the heart of a chronically single girl, appears every Wednesday right here at iconoclastic
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