Iconoclastic

He Said:
Friendship is an odd thing. I've been thinking about what it is that pulls two people together and makes them into friends. My best friend, Wayne, and I met in a Math class our Freshman year in High School. I can't for the life of me remember what our first words to each other were, more than likely it was me trying to get an answer off of him. At any rate, 13 years later we're still very close, though he's in L.A. and I'm in Susanville. We couldn't be much more different. He loves the city life, parties, R & B, and is gay. Me, I hate cities, prefer to stay at home most of the time, am a country/rock kind of guy, and am hetero. Still, we both make an effort to communicate often and visit a couple times a year.

Most of my more recent friends are women, which isn't surprising considering I work in a female dominated profession. So, what draws us together? It's said that women make friendships off of shared feelings, men off of shared interests. I think that's true. Most of
my friends from work and I talk about work related stuff...which works well for both of us because our work is a mutual interest that requires a lot of feelings and emotions. After a while though, the friends I'm closest with and I come to realize that we share a few mutual interests and feelings and so have a bit more to talk about. Those friends are the ones I'd communicate with outside of work.

I watch the relationship between my wife and her girlfriends and compare them to the relationship between me and my guy friends a lot. It seems I have the easier job in maintaining a friendship. Girls, it seems, spend a lot of time getting mad at each other over various things (she calls too often, not enough, said something I didn't like,
didn't say something I wanted to hear, yada yada). They stay mad and don't talk to each other for a couple weeks until on or the other budges and they both act like it never happened. When one of my buddies does something that upsets me, or I him, we call each other on it almost immediately. Sometimes this results in a quick retraction (rarely apology), argument, or fight (depends on how much alcohol is involved in the situation, really). The point is, it's resolved quickly and once it's resolved it's never brought up again. The rule is this: There's a statute of limitations on being pissed at a guy friend. If you can't bring it up and resolve it in 48 hours, it's not that important and should be stricken from record for ever. Yea, guys have the friend thing down.

She Said:
Friendship is such a wonderfully odd thing! Friends are the people in your life who bring joy, form a support structure, and allow you to be yourself in a world full of people trying to change you. The people I would list as friends are the ones I can laugh and have a good time with. They’re the people I could trip in front of, and not have to worry, because all my friends know I’m a klutz. Or I can let out one of my super cool beer burps, tell a silly joke, and be my goofy self; without feeling self-conscious, because I know they love me. Best said, they are the people I can let my guard down in front of, without feeling judged.

Oddly enough, most of my friends are men. I think this is because I enjoy watching sports, drinking beer, and hanging out – activities many men also enjoy. It’s not that I don’t have female friends, it’s just that my female friends usually want to sit, talk about relationships and boys and dating and sex, and drink martinis in high end bars. I write all day, about these very topics, so when I am out-and-about I want to be doing, not repeating what I have done all day. So I find that I utilize my female friends the most when I need help talking out a problem, and I hang with the boys when I want to have more energetic entertainment.

I think it is interesting the expectations I have from friends that are male vs. friends that are female. It is oh-so-very stereotypical. From my male friends I expect an easy, light and active good time. And from my female friends I expect emotional availability and bonding over mutually shared experience. My female friendships are based on shared feeling and confidences, and my male friendships are solidified in shared interests. That is not to say my male friends are not emotionally available, or my female friends aren’t able to participate in light activities. It’s just I don’t expect them to do it, so it’s like an added bonus. When a girlfriend calls me to go play Frisbee in the park, it’s a wonderful exception to the rule – I just expect it from the boys. And when guyfriends want to talk about relationships or frustrations, I feel very honored they trust me enough to open up – it’s the norm with the girls.

Both types of friendships fulfill an important need in my life, and I value all of my friends for a wide variety of reasons. I just found it funny how easily I played into the gender stereotype of friendship, being semi-aware of that sort of thing.

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Men and women throughout the ages
Have had diverse points of view
Hers is this, His is that
Which one works for you?

Jordan Frazer is the author of the blog Buying the Cow. He is a 27 year old resident of Susanville, who survived the dating scene and got married about 18 months ago.

His & Hers: a male vs. female point of view, appears every Monday right here at iconoclastic