His & Hers: Can We Talk?
Featuring guest writer: Jordan Frazer
From “Can’t We Talk?” (condensed from: You Just Don’t Understand)
By Deborah Tannen
A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like to stop for a coffee?”
“No, thanks,” he answered truthfully. So they didn’t stop.
The result? The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn’t she just say what she wanted?
Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question not to get an instant decision, but to begin a negotiation. And the woman didn’t realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and women interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it’s no wonder they can find themselves leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.
(for full article click here)
He Said:
Let’s get one thing straight here: Men are from Mars, women from Venus. If you haven't read the book I suggest you do because it explains, in a light, humorous, non-offensive way what everyone knows already. Men and women, while all using the same words, are speaking totally different languages.
I can sympathize with the poor guy in this scenario, as I've been where he is many times. She's asked if I'd was interested in something, and then dismayed at my negative answer. It’s not the fact I'm not interested that bothers her, it's that SHE IS. The problem is, instead of saying what she wants, she tries getting some sort of affirmation on the validity of her feelings from me, and the lack thereof leaves her feeling insecure.
Ever seen White Men Can't Jump? Not a great flick but it's got a part where Woody Heralson's character is laying in bed with his girlfriend and she says she's thirsty. He offers to go get a glass of water. She becomes upset because she doesn't want a glass of water; she wants affirmation that he understands what it is to be thirsty. She's left mad, he's left confused.
I wish I had some sort of great advice on what to do when this situation comes up but I don't. Heck, I don't even know when this situation comes up; I fall into the quagmire of misunderstanding with my wife on a constant basis. The best I can come up with is this:
Men - Try to listen a bit more and instead of offering a simple "yes" or "no" answer, engage in dialogue with your partner about what it is they are thinking about the subject.
Gals - Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you want coffee say something like "pull over here and buy me a cup of coffee" or "I'm interested in taking underwater yoga classes and want you to come along with me".
She Said:
How many times have I been there? You think you’re communicating, being clear, being polite. Your girlfriends would have understood. And yet, there you are, so mad you could spit nails, because once again, he just didn’t get it!
“Why didn’t you just say that?” he asks, when you calm down enough to explain why you’re mad.
“I thought I did.”
It’s a conundrum as old as time, how do we get men and women to understand one another? Do we speak two different languages? Are men from Mars and women from Venus? (SIDENOTE: after much discussion with some of my more brilliant female friends we have concluded that some men may be from Uranus… which could add to the communication problem).
I read a plethora of dating articles and it seems the experts all advice better communication for healthy relationships. But if, like Deborah Tannen suggests, we are communicating on different levels, and with different goals, how do we achieve “better” communication?
How do I say, “I want coffee!” with still respecting the wants of my partner?
Men and women throughout the ages
Have had diverse points of view
Hers is this, His is that
Which one works for you?
Jordan Frazer is the author of the blog Buying the Cow. He is a 27 year old resident of Susanville, who survived the dating scene and got married about 18 months ago.
His & Hers: a male vs. female point of view, appears every Monday right here at iconoclastic
Technorati: relationships, dating, he said, she said, his & hers, talk, communication
Comments
Can we stop blaming coffee for this man and woman not belonging together.
Numero 1. they're married. I'm pretty sure if they've been together long enough to get married, this man can well interpret the intention of his wife's query.
In order to accept this at face value, we'd have to first assume the husband has never before been required to engage in conversation with his wife. More importantly, he's never had any exchange where any unvocalized communication took place between the two. Considering women generally are masters of multi-leveled communication, and any day to day conversation is laced heavily with allusion and implication, this husband must've just stepped off the moon prior to this convo, and therefore cannot be held accountable for his lack of understanding. I'm to believe prior to this question their relationship required NO interpretation of intention in daily socialization????
Seriously, if I'm driving and someone asks me if I'd like to stop for coffee, my intial thought is that they're interested in getting some coffee. If I'm not interested as well, i'm sure my response would be more like: "No, I'm fine. Would you?" rather than "No, thanks," and proceeding to drive on. It's a matter of empathy, and understanding, not to mention common courtesy. I mean if she'd asked "Hun, would you like me to chop your arm off with an axe?" this guy would logically come to the conclusion that no he doesn't want his arm chopped off and answer "No, thanks." I'm pretty sure he'd understand that she's upset and then "negoitation" (lol) would commence.
I wonder why men are so often percieved as socially inept horse-people. There's always an attempt to "speak the same language" as the other sex, or understand some deep-meaning arcane cipher to inter-sex communication. "would you like to stop for some coffee" isn't freakin fibonacci coding. (lol @ fibonacci, 2pts for obscure reference). The man in this example is not excersizing some reptilian-minded cold reasoning to settle the question of coffee. He just doesn't care one way or another whether she wants some or not. Lets look at the hollywoodesque stereotyping taking place in this exchange. The man is driving. The woman desires coffee, which apprently she must negotiate for since this alpha-male wouldn't want to stop the car. You know men, point A to point B, reptilian reasoning. Then she engages in some momentary self-loathing at her inability to communicate her wants to her husband (oxygen network special).
C'mon, we don't marry people we can't adequately communicate with. And when we're lucky the communication level is optimum and easy. Point is, pretending there's some epic barrier that precludes men from any indepth understanding for those around them, and their partners inparticular, is beer-commercial nonsense. It's a way for people in bad relationships to deal a situation where their significant other doesn't deem them quite so significant any longer. Think about how rare miscommunication is when you're first in love. When both parties have an interest in understanding one another we do just fine. As time goes by and you realize this person might not be all you'd hoped, well our ability to understand one another deteriorates.
Wow. that was alot of words! SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BLAME COFFEE!! BAM!!! I COME FLYING IN TO COFFEE'S RESCUE!!!
REPLY: you are brilliant!
Posted by: jozep | April 16, 2007 05:45 PM
status vs support
-yes, self-confirmed warrior complex aside. The male world is a series of battles and even if you didn't start them in order to maintain a male communicative status and power from which to communicate and be heard you must engage. At the same time i recognize i need to alter my communication when i am talking to my girlfriend because i know she is not trying to "win" or manipulate me (usually)
Independence vs intimacy
-this one is tricky and was actually the subject of the last conflict between my girlfriend and I. My girlfriend is very flexible...(personality people personality!) she tends to submit to the dominant personality. because she does not ascribe to male rules of conversation battle engagement she does not see it as being bullied or losing but as keeping the peace. This is difficult for me because i interpret it as her being weak or not caring enough about something to vocalize her own opinion. This is something I think women should be more aware of.
Advice vs Understanding
Information vs Feeling
-i totally am male as far as this goes, though i try to be aware of it. As a warrior i do not draw up peace treaties i unsheathe my sword of truth and whoop some ass. Conversation is the most efficient path to truth...at least when i'm in this mode.
Order vs Proposal
Conflict vs Compromise
-i wish people ordered more. Not because i want to follow them but because i can at least respect for knowing themselves and knowing what they want. For having strong feelings about what is important to them.
REPLY: ahhh cid, i will order you around a little if you need it! thank you for your insightful comments!! but i still wonder how we can compromise this communication conundrum!
Posted by: Cid | April 16, 2007 08:44 PM