Polly Ticks: 25 Ways to Be a Good Republican
I was sent an e-mail recently, titled "17 Ways to Be a Good Liberal", which I quickly opened and read. I am always striving to be a better hippie-feminist-tree-loving-man-hating-liberal-woman, and I truly appreciated someone thinking of me when they saw this. After I got up and got a tissue because I was crying from laughing so hard, I began to think. Since someone took the time to write me an e-mail with narrow-minded stereotypical judgments on my liberal nature, wouldn't it be impolite to not respond in the same attitude. After much consideration, I decided that it would be rude, and it was my duty... nay nay... my responsibility to the public in general to respond with advice on how to be a good Republican. So, I composed "25 Ways to Be a Good Republican"
1. You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong, because it’s a communist country. But trading with China and Vietnam is justifiable.
2. You have to believe that the public has a right to know about Clinton and Monica, but Bush needed to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because there are just some things Americans don’t need to know.
3. You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution – which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet
4. You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a we-can’t-find-Bin Laden diversion
5. You have to believe that waging war with no exist strategy was wrong in Vietnam, but right in Iraq
6. You believe that tobacco’s link to cancer and global warming are “junk science”, but Creationism should be taught in schools
7. You have to believe that universal health care is wrong, and that HMO’s and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart
8. You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money
9. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don’t have condoms they won’t have sex
10. You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits
11. You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you – and Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and liberals
12. You have to be against a woman’s right to choose, but support the murder of millions by air strike
13. “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India so you can get products from WalMart
14. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha
15. You have to believe that government should stay out of people’s lives, but needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the same gender
16. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own
17. You have to believe the ACLU is bad, because it supports the Constitution, but you support the NRA wholeheartedly
18. You have to believe that we actually went to war in Iraq to find WMD’s because they were a clear and present threat to the United States
19. You have to believe Bill Clinton getting a blowjob in the Oval Office is appalling, but Newt Gingrich serving his wife with divorce papers on her deathbed is A-OK.
20. You have to believe that Fox News is fair and balanced
21. You’re not ashamed to tell everyone you believe in God, but feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and doing unto others as we would have others do unto us sounds like socialism
22. You have to believe that Clinton inhaling once is the sign of moral defect, while Bush’s drinking and driving was excusable because he was young
23. You have to believe that spending money on the war in Iraq is more important then fighting the drug dealers and gang members whom are harming American’s
24. You have to believe that it is much more important to know about all the dirt in a candidates past, then it is to listen to his beliefs and political ideas – unless of course he is a Republican
25. You have to believe that this message was authored by a left-wing pinko socialist bleeding heart liberal.
Polly Ticks: a snarky look at the happenings in the world today entangled in female perception, appears every Thursday right here at iconoclastic
Technorati: relationships, dating, he said, republican, bush, politics
Comments
Well to be fair and to add more humor, how about letting us see the original 17 you got in email?
Posted by: Anthony | April 21, 2007 10:31 PM
Anthony, at your request, here is the e-mail I was sent:
17 Ways to Be a Good Liberal
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran, China and North Korea
4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV’s
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by lack of federal funding
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex
9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but PETA activists do
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it
11. You have to believe the NRA is bad because is supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because is supports certain parts of the Constitution
12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high
13. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, or Abraham Lincoln
14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not
15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge
16. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
17. You have to believe that this message is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy. Classification: UNCLASSIFIED Caveats: NONE
Posted by: meagan | April 23, 2007 07:53 AM
At first glance these are pretty funny. Viewed together they can pose a lesson though. I say this because, if you can look at your own side and see just how distorted your own views are presented, then perhaps you can look at the other side and realize that their side has been distorted as well.
Too often we listen to rhetoric and stereotypes about people we disagree with and decide that this must be the truth. It makes liberals feel validated to say that Republicans are evil, or conservatives feel justified to say that Democrats are just hippie traitors to their country. As you read this, you may even think "but it's true" about the side you disagree with. But is it true, or is that just what your favored opinion leaders want you to think?
Everyone has an idea of how to make the world a better place. We don't have to demonize those whose ideas we disagree with. However, with that said, there are still some truths out there despite what the world's opinions are. Osama bin Laden is evil no matter who allied with him in the past. Anyone who would seek to murder innocent men women and children on American soil is certainly our enemy and deserving of death. These to me are facts. Whether or not we should be in Iraq to take on those who would hurt us is more of an opinion.
Posted by: Dane Langston | April 24, 2007 10:02 AM
Dane,
First of all, thank you for your comment, it was very insightful! You said,
Viewed together they can pose a lesson though. I say this because, if you can look at your own side and see just how distorted your own views are presented, then perhaps you can look at the other side and realize that their side has been distorted as well.
I completely agree, which is why I wrote this blog. Too often political groups are pushed into extremist stereotypes. I find this in my own life constantly because I choose to call myself a feminist, I am suddenly a hippie lesbian tree hugger etc etc. It doesn’t matter where my personal beliefs lie, I have been put in my perspective box, and therefore I am pre-defined. My personal belief is that it takes all kinds to make the world go round, and I could not have my set of beliefs if there was not someone out there who believe the exact opposite of me. It is the wonderful thing about living in this country, we are all allowed to believe what we want, and speak our minds, and I value that so much – I would never want to take it away from someone else.
We spend so much time pointing the finger at the opposite political party, pushing blame and pursuing our sense of “right” – but this type of politics is not solving the problems we face today, it is simply exacerbating them. That was my point, and it will continue to be my point, until we start looking at the issues, and stop focusing on all the fluff!
meagan
Posted by: meagan | April 24, 2007 10:15 AM
Meagan, I agree with you. Our country is becoming so polarized over issues that its rarely about the issue itself anymore, but who said it.
We all need to communicate better.
Posted by: Anthony | April 27, 2007 09:52 PM