His & Hers: How to Break Up with Someone
Featuring guest writer: Jordan Frazer
Have you ever climbed into the relationship refrigerator to grab your favorite snack and noticed it was past it’s ‘best by’ date? One of the horrible parts of dating is the ending. And we have all been a part of a relationship gone sour. Ending things is never easy, but it is often for the best. So how do you end them with a little dignity, for yourself and the “someone” you are no longer feeling so special about?
He Said:
Breaking up is hard to do. Sounds like a song doesn’t it? Well it's the truth. When the feelings you have move from adoration to indifference, or worse; it's time to walk away. Doing it the right way makes all the difference in the world, and will directly affect that person's self esteem and, moreover, may affect your future. So do it right!
DO NOT:
Quit calling and quit accepting phone calls/emails/letters/singing telegrams/whatever
Unload your personal baggage on them and make them feel like it's all them that caused the demise of what could have been a great relationship
Pull the old "it's not you, it's me" line. It's old and tired, let it die
Break up by email/text/etc.
Say that you hope that you can remain friends unless you mean it
DO:
Break up in person, or at the very least over the phone
Simply explain that you don't see the relationship going anywhere and you're not interested in continuing the relationship
Be respectful and understanding of how bad you're making the other person feel
Pick a location that’s private and quiet that allows the other person to express emotion without being embarrassed.
She Said:
In the immortal words of the Carpenters, “Breakin’ up is hard to do”! And as the song reminds us, there will often be some lamenting, and possibly begging, for a reversal of the decision. “I beg of you, don’t say good-bye, can’t we give our love, another try, come on baby, let’s start a new, breakin’ up is hard to do”. Most likely, we’ve all been on both sides of that coin. There has got to be an easier way to do this!
So, what do you do when you know it’s over, but you don’t want to hurt that other person? Here are my break-up pointers:
If it’s got to end, do it in person. I know there are the wonderful tools of e-mail, text messaging, etc, etc, but that’s just chicken-poo! This was a person you cared about, and who still cares about you. Be respectful to their feelings and find a way to meet in a quite, neutral place to pass on this sensitive information.
An explanation is deserved. You don’t need to delve into your deepest darkest secrets, or bare your soul to the soon to be ex. But they do deserve an explanation of why you are ending things. We all wonder what happened, and to move on we need to find closure. So giving an explanation will help them to move along, and stop a potential stalker who needs to find an ending.
Be honest! At all costs. Even if you know it’s going to hurt when you say, “I don’t love you anymore” it needs to be said! Don’t give any room for false hope, or for misunderstanding. Tell it like it is, even if you’re confused. Be firm, because you wouldn’t be having this conversation if you didn’t think it was time for things to end.
Make sure they are the first to know. We all consult our friends for advice in the relationship department, but no one deserves to find out via the grapeline that they are about to be dumped! Be considerate, and you can walk away with your head high.
To sever ties or to not sever ties, that is the question. And it is a long winded debate. It all depends on the people. If you work together, have mutual friends, or participate in the same types of activities, you are going to want to keep things on a civil plane, so hanging out a couple of times in the “just friends” zone may be a good idea. ALWAYS give it some time first though. I think a good rule is two weeks. NEVER jump into being “just friends” because then it will quickly turn into “friends with benefits” or “I hate you because you moved on and I’m still wallowing”. These are both bad situations, so give yourself some time.
If you have some respect for the person you are ending your relationship with, and try your best to be understanding but firm in your decision, they you will always be able to walk away feeling like you did your best.
Men and women throughout the ages
Have had diverse points of view
Hers is this, His is that
Which one works for you?
Jordan Frazer is the author of the blog Buying the Cow. He is a 27 year old resident of Susanville, who survived the dating scene and got married about 18 months ago.
His & Hers: a male vs. female point of view, appears every Monday right here at iconoclastic
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