Iconoclastic

We have all heard of the relationship red flag. You know, the behaviors we all want to overlook when we’re deeply in like with someone – and when we look back on this destined-to-doom relationship we say to ourselves, “If only I had known…” We’ve all been there, and many of us will be there again. The red flag has become part of our relationship vocabulary – but I feel it has dominated for too long.

If there is a red flag, then there must be a green flag as well. Right? The things that happen when you’re in the just-getting-to-know-you stages that feel right on. The things that make women wonder how he’ll get along with her family, and men wonder what she’ll look like it hot pink Victoria Secret. But even though we have never given the green flag a name until now, we have all been aware of its existence – hey, it’s usually the reason we enjoy the first, second and third kiss. It doesn’t need a ton of explanation.

I want to concentrate today on the flag that I believe has been neglected for too long, the flag that is causing turmoil in relationships all over the globe – the yellow flag.

What is the yellow flag, you may ask yourself? This is simple, whereas red flags are usually deal breakers – as in don’t call me, I’ll call you, and I just dropped my phone off a 240 foot cliff. Yellow flags are proceed with caution warnings - a sign of the need to compromise in some area of the relationship or another, and to ask yourself if you can live with that compromise. Some examples may be; he hates sushi and it’s your favorite food, you like romantic comedies and he’s a documentary fanatic, he’s a morning person and you are a creature of the night. These are things that can be worked out, but will take some work on the part of both parties.

I was explaining this theory to a brilliant male friend of mine tonight, and he asked me how many yellow flags make a red flag. A very logical question – so I did some research. After hours upon hours of mathematical equations with odd signs and symbols that reminded me of my high school days I have come up with a lay me… I mean laymen explanation: four yellow flags equals one red flag, and two red flags is a deal breaker.

My problem is this: are my yellow flags legit, or are they imagined? Am I concerned about entering into a healthy relationship, or am I scared of opening up to someone else? Am I just making all this up?

I guess only time will tell…

~ ~ ~

The Wonderful World of Dating: a semi-caustic look at dating in today’s world, given from the heart of a chronically single girl, appears right here at iconoclastic

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!
~ unknown

Have a great blog idea, or just want to chat with me about something I’ve said? Feel free to e-mail me: meagandixon@yahoo.com

Meeting someone and getting to know them can be so exciting. You spend time with them, ask the plethora of questions that can help discover their inner being, and begin to develop a pattern of behavior. But what happens when that pattern annoys the hell out of you? Or you discover their inner being and yours… well, there just never gonna get along! And what are those little red flags that tell you, “Honey, this just ain’t never gonna work!” Allow me to help, here they are:

The Top 10 Reasons You Know it’s not Gonna Work

1. Cute = Annoying
He thinks playing with your hair is so much fun, you can’t stand him touching your head; he thinks punching you in the arm is playful, you don’t remember entering a boxing match, he thinks rubbing his feet on your leg is suggestive, you can’t stand feet. When he is trying to be cute and flirtatious, and you just find him annoying, it’s just ain’t never gonna work.

2. The Butterflies are M.I.A
When you really like someone, as opposed to just-getting-to-know-them-because-there-are-no-other-options-at-the-current-moment, then the butterflies will be abundant. When the phone rings they will flutter in the depths of your stomach, because it may be him. When you get the text message that says, “Good Morning cutie, have a splendoriffic day!” you find the butterflies have migrated to your heart while you type out, “U 2!” And when you know you're going to see him, the butterflies have O.D.’d on riddiline, and can be found all of the miscellaneous extremities of your body. If, however, you are searching for the butterflies, and all you find is a rouge tick, it just ain’t never gonna work.

3. They’re Rude
Ok, we all know that when a guy is rude to us, it’s austa lasagna, don’t get any on ya! But there are other forms of rudeness that we must be on the watch for. If he is rude to the essential people who make fun date night’s possible, i.e. waters, bartenders, cab drivers, etc. this is a sign that he has no respect for people in general. And although he may be on his best date behavior at the moment, his rudeness will soon turn to you. Bottom line, rude = it just ain’t never gonna work.

4. Bad Sex
The first time with a new partner is always a little awkward. It’s new, and unfamiliar, and we all have issues with how good we look, feel, smell, act, move, etc. So it’s never fair to judge off a first encounter, every one deserves a second chance right? But if the sex gets a big fat F more than three times in a row, or you find yourself filled with excuses why you don’t want to engage in out of clothing activities, that’s a bad sign. If it gets to sex, and the sex sucks, it just ain’t never gonna work.

5. The Dirty Bird
No, I am not talking about the birds with feathers and wings here. I am talking about the general appearance of ones self, ones home, and ones life. In the first couple of date encounters, if a guy can’t take the time to make sure he has on a clean shirt and smells decent, how much dose he value you? And the first time checking out his pad, if it’s a mess what dose that say about his desire to impress you? The fact of the matter is, a dirty bird means a lack of interest, and that just ain’t never gonna work.

6. Huh!?!
He flies off the handle because you said something, and you don’t know what ‘something’ was. You voice an opinion, and his feelings get hurt. It feels like you are always doing something wrong, no matter what you’re doing. Sometimes people just come from two different ways of thinking, and they just never see eye to eye. But really, do you want a relationship that makes you feel like your always a failure. If it feels like a struggle, it just ain’t never gonna work.

7. Huh!?! Again
You are at the park, staring into the sky, and you say, “Doesn’t the sky look blue today?” He turns to you and snarkly replies, “It’s more of a aquamarine.” “Let’s go for Mexican” you say. “How dose The Rice Bowl sound?” he replies. It’s like a French woman trying to communicate with a German man, something is getting lost in translation. Or is it he’s just not listening. Whatever the reason, if you feel like your not being understood, or heard, it just ain’t never gonna work.

8. The Smell of Someone After it’s Rained
The fresh smell of rain is one of the best scents in the world! So good, that we have tried to bottle it to scent our homes with. So if this magical elixir of freshness and renewal brings out a smell in your new love-to-be that says… umm, yuck! It may be time to rethink the situation. Smell in general is a way of attracting new partners, that’s why we spend so much money on perfumes and soaps. So if you catch a whiff and struggle to stop yourself from making a stinky face, it just ain’t never gonna work.

9. Danger Zone: Anger Ahead
He’s just had a bad day at work, his friends really upset him, that guy cut him off, and his neighbor’s dog just won’t quit barking. We all have bad days, it’s just a fact of life. But if it seems he is having more bad days than good, and there is always a reason for him to be angry at someone about something, chances are he is never going to be fun to be around. There is a difference between complaining to get out frustration, and being angry about something all the time. If you always feel like you’re entering a danger zone, it just ain’t never gonna work.

10. The Three Day Test
Admit it, when you have met someone new and you’re interested you want to spend every free second with them. That doesn’t mean you get too, just that you want too. It’s part of being in like. So, if you suddenly stop and realize it’s been three days since you’ve seen them, and that doesn’t’ really bother you, it means your not really diggin’ on them as hard as once supposed. If you take the three day test and fail to want to spend time (or he isn’t working to correct this situation), it just ain’t never gonna work.

~ ~ ~

Ahhh, the first kiss. What a wonderful moment! Something to fantasize about when you are deeply in like with someone. I sit and daydream about him slowly moving in and smiling, and I close my eyes and imagine him gently pushing his lips against mine. Then rewind and replay, until I have thoroughly plotted out the entire event. And, when the moment arrives, and he slowly moves in and smiles, I start to close my eyes, then pause, because I want to see this movie moment in action, and find myself …. ducking and screaming because I’m being attacked by dragon face, he’s coming straight at me, lips curled and tongue protruding, and I wasn’t even prepared.

Could there be anything worse than a bad kisser? At my age this is completely unacceptable! Hasn’t there been a partner, sometime in their dating history, who liked them enough to say, “Hey, you’re not so good at the whole kissing thing, let me teach you how”? I have come across a number of bad kissers; it’s not an isolated incident, and what do you do; besides politely wipe the slobber from your face and excuse yourself, escape route in mind? I think it’s time to start talking about it, if I was a bad kisser I’d want help improving, so lets discuss the top 10 kissing offenses we are guilty of, in no particular order:

Offense #1:
Dragon Face. I start with the dragon face, because it is a newly acquired kissing mishap in my life. And the mental image still gives me the heebie jeebies! This poor man went in for this kiss, at a particularly awkward moment, with his lips curled back in a lizard-esque smile, his tongue pointing out of his mouth, the tip wiggling at me as if to say, “Hello baby, here I come.” I didn’t want to be rude, so I pulled away, smiled, and said I needed to go home. I couldn’t kiss Dragon Face guy, I just couldn’t! This inept style of kissing was frightening, and kissing should never invoke fear.

Offense #2:
The slobberobbergus. You know the guy who manages to hit every spot on your face with his tongue other than your lips. It’s like he closes his eyes and his directionally challenged tongue is going on an expedition of your face, destination: mouth - never to be found. And when you pull away, wondering if there is any reminisce of makeup left, he is slyly grinning at you, as if he has just opened you up to a new experience. And he has, you now know what a small child feels like when the big St. Bernard won’t quit licking its face, and you get the urge to cry as well.

Offense #3:
The Bird Beak. This is characterized by a hard tongue shape, moving in a rapid manner inside of the mouth of kissing partner, usually in a back and fourth motion. The tongue is not meant to be a ridged body part. Its purpose is soft, and gentle and probing. Not stiff, and abrasive, and thrusting. There are other body parts which can be appropriately used for those activities, don’t let your tongue steal their thunder. (Thanks Suzy!)

Offense #4:
Just eaten/bad breath. Now this is just rude! Behavior of this nature is not due to bad technique or nervousness; this is simply bad manners at their finest. You NEVER put food in your mouth, chew, and then move in for a kiss (I added chew as my disclaimer for the ever-so-seductive sharing of the food maneuver, which is totally acceptable when done correctly). But partially masticated food should not be shared between partners, it’s just gross! Garlic, onions and cigarettes, oh my! Remember, if it tastes funky to you, it will to your kissing accomplice as well.

Offense #5:
The black hole. This is another universally experienced bad kiss. When you look up and see a wide open mouth coming at you, a spacious span between top teeth and bottom teeth, and the fear of being consumed by this approaching black hole mixed with a sadistic curiosity of what you’d find if you stuck your head in there and explored overwhelms you; you know you’ve been a victim of the black hole. The only hope you have to turn and run before you’re devoured.

Offense #6:
The soul sucker. He slowly moves in and smiles, and he gently presses his lips to yours, and then you suddenly feel as if you’ve entered a void and all air is being extracted from your body at a rate faster than you can replace it. And as you fight to retain ownership of your soul, which is slowly being removed from your body, you struggle to detach from this vacummous power. Take a deep breath, and possibly refrain from the second kiss.

Offense #7:
The teeth fighter. Yes, teeth are in the mouth, and sometimes we all get a little excited and there is a minor fender-bender. When this is a constant occurrence, there is a definite problem! The teeth fighter feels their deadly weapon is actually a turn on, and proceeds to hit you with their teeth numerous times in varied ways. Eventually, you find yourself bleeding with a fat lip, and a not so great memory of the kiss. (Thanks Liz!)

Offense #8:
Scab chin. This is the guy who kisses with such ferocity of chin movement, mixed with the small grouping of pubic hair on his face, that minor chafage occurs. The next day you have a dry spot resembling a scab on your chin which hurts when you talk. Girls, it’s ok, we’ve all been there. Wear your scab proudly, especially if he was cute, but remember this make-out-war-wound, and try to steer clear of the chin action in your next canoodling session.

Offense #9:
The Marathon Kisser. Kissing is a wonderful and fun activity, and I understand the desire to never want to stop; but reality check, breathing is an essential part to sustaining life! We all need to do it. WARNING: participating in lip locking for over 20 minutes can cause minor birth defects, brain damage from lack of oxygen, and a really sore tongue. Give it a break, take a breath, start off slow, and leave your smooching rival wanting more. This is not a race to the finish - unless you want to be finished. (Thanks Tammi!)

Offense #10:
Tonsil Hockey. No, this is not a real sport, and your tongue does not belong down my throat! This type of behavior is most often distinguished by a feeling of your stomach contents being searched, and nervousness over the onions you ate for dinner the night before… you never know, they could be discovered. On a serious note: there is an imaginary line drawn between the last molars in any persons mouth with a little sign that says, “Do not cross go, do not collect another kiss from me.” So if last kiss is the goal, by all means, forge ahead; otherwise politely backup and continue you exploration.

Are there any kissing experiences you’d like to add to the list?

Posted by Meagan Dixon at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)