Iconoclastic

There are so many signs along this road I am traveling; they say Stop, Not a Through Street, Road Closed, but I just can’t force myself to listen. This is not the first time I have done this, fallen for a guy who will never know I exist, who will never take the time to know me, who will leave me when he had gotten what he wants, when he is done with me. I don’t know why I do it; I think I find situations I know wont work because then I can’t really be hurt when they don’t. I knew it from the start.

I was hurt so badly once, and I’m scared of letting anyone in! So I show my surface levels, I share little things about myself that most people are scared to talk about; like sex, and past relationships, and current relationships, and I let people assume they know me. It is just another defense mechanism in the long list of defense mechanisms I have procured over the past couple years. It’s like a dysfunctional cycle of abuse I perpetrate on myself. Want to find love but too scared, find someone it wont work with, open up a little, get hurt, move on, want to find love but too scared, find someone it wont work with, open up a little less, get hurt, move on. Slowly I have progressed, until I have become a master bull-shitter and I have everyone convinced I am such a great listener, with wonderful insight into their lives. I actually had an ex call me his shrink the other day, he told me he loves talking to me about his problems because I always understand, and I always tell it like it is. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard that! I have my tale-tale signs; ask me a question I don’t want to answer and I will change the subject, or give a partial answer, or ask a question in return. And then I will flip the subject back to you. It’s so easy, because everyone wants to bear their soul to the girl who always tells it like it is. I hate to break it to the masses, who I have adequately fooled, but there is no magical secret to my insight. I watch Sex in the City and I am not scared of being blunt, that really all there is to me. Basically, I’m full of crap!

There has only been one person, one man, in the past couple of years, who I was tempted to show a little more of myself to. And he was so consumed with his own issues he never noticed the slightly ajar door.

I am tempted again, and that scares me! I don’t know why this temptation has arisen, I barley know him, but there is something there, some spark, some connection, that won’t let me sever and walk away. I have always been so good at walking away. The real funny thing is I thought it was over and I was actually upset about it, but in my own emotionally constipate repertoire of relationships I have acquired the lets be friends mantra.

What does that mean? you may ask yourself. Well, usually it means things aren’t going the way I want them too (a.k.a. they are getting too serious) and so I say ‘Lets be friends’ (a.k.a. we should continue to sleep together, minus the emotional ties, until I get bored and move on). I know, I’m a cold hearted dog on fire, but at least I’m honest.

This time I didn’t want to be just friends, there were those weird fluttering things in my stomach that I’m told are feelings, and for the first time in a long time, I liked them. I was the one who wanted more, I was the one who got too serious. Weird, huh!?! Talk about Karma! It ended, and we said we were going to be friends, but I wasn’t going to call, I was just going to walk away, because I knew just friends wasn’t going to work this time. I still wanted, no, still want more. But then he called me. And it started again, because I didn’t know how to say no, and the truth is I didn’t want to.

And now? When we talk I feel like he is actually listening, and I love the way he smells, and when he touches me I cant help but lean in because I just cant seem to get enough. And I know that we are probably just friends, and when he gets board he is going to walk away, and then I will fully understand how I have made other people feel. But, last night I held him in my arms, and felt his body pressed against mine, and I held my breath and closed my eyes, and for a moment, a brief flickering moment, I was content.

~ ~ ~

The Wonderful World of Dating: a semi-caustic look at dating in today’s world, given from the heart of a chronically single girl, appears right here at iconoclastic

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!
~ unknown

Have a great blog idea, or just want to chat with me about something I’ve said? Feel free to e-mail me: meagandixon@yahoo.com