Iconoclastic

My cat is in heat. If anyone has ever been around a cat that is in heat I do not have to explain the life altering state of existence it can be to have a cat in heat living in your home. For those of you, whom have never been around a cat in heat, it is – with few exceptions – one of the most irritating things in the world. They will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready to toss the stupid 4 legged creature outside and let it get pounded by the local tom’s.

So night befor last night I was sleeping soundly in my bed - like everyone should be at 11:15 on a Sunday night when they have to work in the morning – when my kitty decided to join me. She jumped ever so nimbly up onto my chest, looked me right in the face and began her late night serenade “meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow” and then she gave this devilish low growl and she hissed at me. This really pissed me off, because there are few acceptable excuses to wake me up when I am sound asleep, and hissing at me is not one of them, so I rolled over to knock her off my bed when I landed in some sticky icky stinky wetness. YUCK! I immediately jumped off the bed and ran into the bathroom to wash this yuck off my arm, screaming four letter words all the way. Then I rushed back to my room to examine exactly what the eff I had rolled over into. My cat had been startled by my jumping and had run over every square inch of my bed which was now covered in a film of whitish-grey pussy like grossness. What the ??

I was too tired to care at that moment, so I stripped down my bed, all the while resisting the urge to kick my cat whom was now gyrating at my feet, threw everything in the washer, made my bed with sheets that had been sitting in a cupboard for a LONG time and smelled kind of funny, locked my cat in the bathroom, and went back to bed.

In the morning everything seemed to be back to normal, until I spotted some more of this white-grey puss and decided something needed to be done. When I got to work I got online and typed “cats in heat” into my trusted Google toolbar in the hopes of finding some salvation – and possibly an explanation to said white-grey puss yuck - and a website popped up that I thought could possibly solve all of my worldly problems: How to calm a cat in heat. I clicked on the link excitedly and began to read some of the most disturbing information I have found on the internet to date. The website explained – in great detail - how to get your cat off with a Q-tip. Yes, you read that right. A direct quote, “Insert the Q-tip into the cat’s vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.” I don’t know what disturbed me more – the fact that someone actually wanted me to sexually molest my cat, or that they wanted me to defile a Q-tip to do it!?!

My next move was to call the vet. And after I was passed around to about 4 different people they came back to let me know the white-grey puss was completely normal – I just have an orgasmic cat. That’s right, my cat likes to orgasm… apparently on my bed. How unfair is that? My cat is getting more action in my bed than I am. That Q-tip is sounding better and better…

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Quotable Thoughts: a look at the words of wisdom from other’s, with a twist of personal commentary, appears right here at iconoclastic

We were here; we are human beings; this is how we lived. Let it be known, the earth passed before us. Our details are important. Otherwise, if they are not, we can drop a bomb and it doesn’t matter.

Have a great blog idea, or just want to chat with me about something I’ve said? Feel free to e-mail me: meagandixon@yahoo.com

We have all heard them, those cheesy pick up lines comedians use on television. Or people jokingly say to get your attention. So I asked some of my friends what the worst pick up lines they’ve heard were. The response was overwhelming! I couldn’t even get a top 10, so here are the top 30 worst pick-up lines (and getting here took some editing!).

Top 30 WORST Pick-up Lines

Origional??:
1. What’s your sign?
2. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
3. You must be a broom because you’re sweeping me off my feet
4. Do you have a license? Because you’re driving me crazy
5. I gotta thirst and baby, you look like my Gatorade

Heavenly:
6. Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here.
7. Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers
8. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
9. Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas

Arrogant:
10. Do you believe in love a first sight, or should I walk by again?
11. Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?
12. Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
13. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
14. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants
15. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put “U” and “I” together

Simply Cheesy:
16. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day
17. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away
18. Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!
19. I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into the wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes

Yer Dad:
20. Was your dad a thief? Because he stole all the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
21. Your father must’ve been an astronaut, because your butts out of this world
22. I know that milk dose the body good, but wow, how much you been drinking?

The Question & The Answer:
23. Have you been arrested? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good
24. Do you have a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I’m in love.
25. Are you a parking ticket? Because you have FINE written all over you.
26. Are those ‘space pants’? Because your butt is outta this world!

Just Plain Rude:
27. I may not be the best looking person here, but I’m the only one talking to you
28. You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everybody we did it anyway
29. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
30. Did you know women/men are like parking spots? All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. Which are you?

And with awful pick up lines, we all need some snarky responses. So, here are the top ten ways to say no, and hopefully get your point across:

1. I am trying to see how long I can go without saying yes
2. I’m attending the opening of my garage door
3. I’m being deported
4. I have to fluff my shower cap
5. I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products
6. The man on television told me to stay tuned
7. I’m observing national apathy week
8. My favorite commercial is on tv
9. I promised to help a friend fold road maps
10. I’m trying to cut down

What is the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard? And the best response to that pick up line?

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Top 10: a snarky start to the weekend with a Top 10 look at love and life, appears every Friday right here at iconoclastic