Cat in Heat
My cat is in heat. If anyone has ever been around a cat that is in heat I do not have to explain the life altering state of existence it can be to have a cat in heat living in your home. For those of you, whom have never been around a cat in heat, it is – with few exceptions – one of the most irritating things in the world. They will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready to toss the stupid 4 legged creature outside and let it get pounded by the local tom’s.
So night befor last night I was sleeping soundly in my bed - like everyone should be at 11:15 on a Sunday night when they have to work in the morning – when my kitty decided to join me. She jumped ever so nimbly up onto my chest, looked me right in the face and began her late night serenade “meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow” and then she gave this devilish low growl and she hissed at me. This really pissed me off, because there are few acceptable excuses to wake me up when I am sound asleep, and hissing at me is not one of them, so I rolled over to knock her off my bed when I landed in some sticky icky stinky wetness. YUCK! I immediately jumped off the bed and ran into the bathroom to wash this yuck off my arm, screaming four letter words all the way. Then I rushed back to my room to examine exactly what the eff I had rolled over into. My cat had been startled by my jumping and had run over every square inch of my bed which was now covered in a film of whitish-grey pussy like grossness. What the ??
I was too tired to care at that moment, so I stripped down my bed, all the while resisting the urge to kick my cat whom was now gyrating at my feet, threw everything in the washer, made my bed with sheets that had been sitting in a cupboard for a LONG time and smelled kind of funny, locked my cat in the bathroom, and went back to bed.
In the morning everything seemed to be back to normal, until I spotted some more of this white-grey puss and decided something needed to be done. When I got to work I got online and typed “cats in heat” into my trusted Google toolbar in the hopes of finding some salvation – and possibly an explanation to said white-grey puss yuck - and a website popped up that I thought could possibly solve all of my worldly problems: How to calm a cat in heat. I clicked on the link excitedly and began to read some of the most disturbing information I have found on the internet to date. The website explained – in great detail - how to get your cat off with a Q-tip. Yes, you read that right. A direct quote, “Insert the Q-tip into the cat’s vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.” I don’t know what disturbed me more – the fact that someone actually wanted me to sexually molest my cat, or that they wanted me to defile a Q-tip to do it!?!
My next move was to call the vet. And after I was passed around to about 4 different people they came back to let me know the white-grey puss was completely normal – I just have an orgasmic cat. That’s right, my cat likes to orgasm… apparently on my bed. How unfair is that? My cat is getting more action in my bed than I am. That Q-tip is sounding better and better…
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We were here; we are human beings; this is how we lived. Let it be known, the earth passed before us. Our details are important. Otherwise, if they are not, we can drop a bomb and it doesn’t matter.
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