Jane Doe, Alive and Well

I think my bank got jealous.
They must have heard that my credit card declared me a “valuable customer” (you did read my other post, right? Riiiiiight.). They wanted to assure me that they loved me, too.
With the last statement they sent me, they included a separate note with “Important Account Information And SOME GOOD NEWS!” They were pleased to tell me that numerous Service Fees were being eliminated.
Excellent. I’m all for the elimination of fees.
Four fees are being eliminated. I’m particularly excited about the elimination of the Domestic Draft fee, because I’m pretty sure it means that somehow the bank will be buying me a cold Pale Ale at Sierra Nevada.
See, that proves they love me more than the credit card. The credit card never mentioned buying me anything. And even though I rarely drink alcohol (I’m a lightweight) I appreciate the gesture. Actions speak louder than words, I always say. They didn’t mention how to actually get my domestic draft, but maybe those directions will come in a later statement.
I went on to read in my SOME GOOD NEWS, in smaller print at the bottom, that “In addition, changes to the following Service Fees” would also be taking place. It listed a change in the ATM fee if you use a different bank’s ATM.
The fee increases by fifty cents. Per transaction.
If you bother to turn the card over, you will see a list of other service fees that are being “updated” according to the representative I spoke to on the phone, a sweet person named Meagen (sorry if I misspelled your name, Megan. Meghan? I’ll never know.)
Yes, I really did call. I just couldn’t resist.
Some fees decreased, like International Wire Transfers (down by two dollars).
Some fees increased, like a Stop Payment Fee (up by four dollars).
Some fees stayed the same, like the Item Returned Unpaid Fee ($7.00). But they listed it anyway.
Calling the bank and looking into this was a fascinating exercise in what I think of as Information Manipulation. There’s probably a real technical name for it; if you know what it is, write and tell me. (I already know its called bull----, so don’t write and tell me that one.)
I.M. fascinates me. There’s so much of it around us. We’re the proverbial fish, swimming it in all the time, and generally unaware of it. I.M. goes hand in hand with E.M. – emotional massage- which is equally fascinating (and a topic for some other time).
Information Manipulation takes info that is actually negative information, but packages it so that it seems positive and makes the person or company look good. I would bet that the bank is now making more in service fees than they were before, but that’s not how they presented it. They conveniently forgot to mention the host of new fees they can charge for things like Quicken downloads or Bill Pay – and those fees are pretty hefty and occur monthly instead of sporadically. I mean, how many times does one make an international wire transfer?
I don’t begrudge them for making more money. That’s the nature of business, and every business should do the best it can. Besides, they probably need more money to pay their I.M.’ers. People who I.M. well are brilliant and probably cost a fortune, too.
At least I know my bank tells the truth. It is SOME GOOD NEWS!
For them, anyway.