Single guy and the art of shopping
I hate to shop, especially with other people. I don't like to shop with other people because I have a shopping system and it only works when I shop alone. I developed my system because, well, I hate to shop. My shopping system is simple. It is based on the "I know what I like (or need) and I know what I don't like (or don't need)" principal. Here's how it works. I walk thru a store and if a piece of clothing catches my eye, I look to see if they have it in my size. If they do, I buy it. Lets say Im looking for something for the house. I go into the section of the store that sells the thing I am looking for, I pick it up, and I buy it. I can go thru a whole mall in 30 minutes and walk out with enough clothes to get me thru the next year. Ten minutes in Target and I've got all the household items I need. You won't even see me in a grocery store. I go there, I'm just too fast to be seen.
There is one store I try to avoid altogether, the electronic store. That's right, the ones that do that rebate thing. You think your paying $199 for something and when they ring it up, it comes to over $300. You go "duh...wud I miss?" They go...."There's a hundred dollar rebate, you just save the receipt, cut the bar code off the box, fill out this three page form, send it in to an address you will find somewhere in this pile of paper work, and in six months to a year, you may or may not get your money back, no problem." Rebates are evil. Whoever came up with this idea should be disemboweled. And their always trying to sell you extended warranties at these stores. The products never fail when you buy the warranty. They only fail when you don't buy the warranty. How do they know how to do this? I always feel like I need to take an attorney with me when I shop at electronic stores! And why do cell phones always break right before your two year contract is up? To get a new phone, you have to re up your contract for two more years. Are the Japanese behind this? Who comes up with this kind of technology?
Buying a new car is the worst experience in all of shopping. Here we are dealing not only with rebates and warranties, but interest rates and meaningless sticker prices as well. If a car is worth $20,000, the sticker price will say $40,000. So you make a dumb ass offer of $30,000 and the salesman acts insulted, like you are wasting his time when in reality he would piss his pants to get $25,000. So now the game begins, the only problem is, men do not know how to bargain. If you are married, let your wife do the bargaining. Chances are she has developed some bargaining skills from years of hard core yard sailing. Still, the game is not fair, she is up against a professional who does this everyday. But with her help, you might get the car for $25,000. Not me, I'm a single guy. I will probably pay full sticker price plus 10%. But that's ok, because the married guy is going to pay big in the end. Sooner or later he is going to have to go shopping at the mall with his wife.
So how bad do I really hate shopping? I hate it bad enough that I will never be in another serious relationship for the rest of my life just because of the chance she would want me to shop with her. I shop in my running shoes so I can move faster. I pay only with cash because it's quicker. I park illegally in handicap parking because it's closer. Yes, you may see me in a grocery store or a department store from time to time, but I can promise you that I will be moving swiftly, you will never see me moseying. You will never see me mulling over something. You will never see me comparing prices. I will not look at something dreamily and wonder how it would look on my best friend. I will not try anything on. I will not gander or gawk. I will not be on an isle I am not buying something from. And I will never, I mean NEVER shop with somebody else.
So remember this mister married guy.... that breeze you feel when your moseying with your wife at the mall....that's me flying by after my 30 minute bi-annual shopping spree, on my way to the car. Yes, it's the car I paid sticker price plus 10% for, but it's the car that is carrying me AWAY from the mall...the mall that you are stuck in for the next four hours!