From outside the box

Youth is wasted on the young and love is wasted on youth....how true. One of the biggest catch 22's in life is that by the time you've figured out some of the mental mazes and emotional intricacies of dating, romance, and love, you're too old to give a crap. As always, I'm generalizing here. I guess some people enjoy the game well into old age. Others have found their soul mate long ago, and for them, there is no game, they're just enjoying their life together. Myself, I got burned out on it all a few years ago, by my early fifties. I spent the first fifty years of my life dating, living with women, being married, having kids, falling in love, mistaking crushes for love, going thru divorce, fighting custody battles, paying child support, raising kids alone, getting my heart broken, breaking someone's heart....you name, I did it. Now that I am entering the second half of my life (assuming I'm going to live to be 120), I have finally found peace and contentment....alone. I do not miss the drama or the games and I have no regrets about any of my relationships. I have learned much about myself thru all of them. I can just sit back now and pretend to be a wise old (older) man and give advice to younger people who never asked for it and don't really want to hear it. That's what older folks do. So if I may be so bold, I am going to share some observations on relationships and dating as well as offer some advice. Now one could make the point....what the hell does he know, he's never made a relationship last, and they would probably be right. But here's the thing....I'm going to do it anyway!

Part one....men. Men are all idiots when it comes to the opposite sex. We do not understand women. We think women are interested in what we have to say, so we talk a lot and try to impress them. We do not know that, quite often, women are only "acting" interested.... they do this for us. We don't know how to listen as well as women do. We do not understand why women do not see sex the same way that we do. We do not realize that women have prolific vision that goes clear around their head. They are aware of everything we do, even when you could swear they are not watching. They know when we are checking them out and they know when we are checking out other women. We don't understand this because we aren't even aware of things we are looking right at half of the time. We do not know how to read red flags or when to back off. We do not know how to read body language as well as women do and this is one of their bigger advantages over us. Once we get them into our life, we try to make them into mommy. Basically, we don't know how to take care of ourselves, were all looking for a mommy.

My advice to men in general....Listen more and talk less. Learn the basics of body language i.e. if she is leaning over the table when you are talking....she's interested. If she is leaning back with her arms folded, change the subject or just shut up. Learn how to cook and clean a house. Don't be in a position that you need somebody to take care of you. Learn the "never a 3rd chance" dating rule....you ask them out once and if they turn you down, and the excuse sounds sincere, try again later. If they turn you down a second time, whatever the reason, be done with it. At this point, if they really want to go out with you, they can call you, after all, you've already put yourself out there twice. Know this and know it well....they do not care about your hobbies unless it is her hobby as well. They don't care about your car, your karate, the song you wrote (unless it's about her), any sports, your childhood, your physical ailments, and especially....your past escapades with other women. Here is how you will impress her....shop with her now and then, talk more about her, remember special days, bring flowers for no reason, cook for her, write poetry for her now and then, even if it's bad poetry, give special attention to babies and small children, and always be a bit of a mystery. She loves the challenge to try to figure you out. But most important of all, keep your power! When you beg, chase, can't let go, get too needy, act helpless, or even try to out argue her, you loose your power. Personal power is the same as integrity, and that is never worth loosing over anybody. And women are more attracted to integrity and personal power than anything else.

Part two....women. You women understand men better than we understand you. That should be an advantage to you but the problem is that you deny the truth about men. You say you love men for being men, but on some level you seem to punish us for not being like you. You are partially responsible for men trying to fool you during the early phases of dating because you cannot accept the truth about them (although you understand it quite well) and what they are really all about. Weve been conditioned to try to fool you. When you find out that half of what we presented ourselves to be is all bullshit, you go about trying to mold us into what it is you thought we were or what you want us to be. This makes us crazy! Once you realize who a man really is and what he's all about, you should accept those things about him or drop him. The best thing about you is that you are capable of loving on a deeper level than men are. I am a firm believer that women should be running the world. Your weakest area, your most self defeating quality is that you fear being alone, and you fear it to the point that too often you settle for less than what you deserve. Some of you are too easily abused by men and too quick to forgive. Flowers should NEVER make up for any kind of abuse. Women put men down for being too easily attracted to physical beauty when in reality, your not much better. However, as you get older, you do look for deeper meaning in relationships. Although you tend to get past physical attraction as you age, men do not. We are shallow that way. That does not mean that we are not capable of loving deeply and sincerely and being true to our commitments, it just means that we are always going to notice beautiful women, we have no control over that.

My summation....Relationships would last longer and have deeper meaning if we could just learn to accept each other for who we are and not try to change everything about the other person. This does not mean putting up with cruelty or really bad habits. We do have to adjust some things about ourselves to be in a relationship, but should never have to deny what we are all about. If we could all become that which we are looking for, it would be easier to find what we are looking for i.e. if you want to be loved, then practice loving. Give away that which you are searching for....it really works. We all want somebody else to make us happy and that is an illusion. Falling in love feels great but it's not happiness, it's a rush. Happiness comes from within, not from without. We find happiness within by living honestly, being true to our highest ideals, and chasing dreams. I think the best relationships are when two people share a dream and chase it together or at least support each other in their own quest.

My disclaimer....In the end, I only know what has worked for me. Life is easier to preach about than to live it. I hope I am not preaching, I like to think I am just sharing. I also like to think that I am living my life to it's fullest potential. If I have insulted anybody in any of the views that I have presented here, well, tough.