More thoughts on "Unresolved childhood issues".
A while back I wrote a little piece on unresolved childhood issues. A good friend, who happens to be a counselor, read my most recent blog about growing up catholic and remarked that it reeked of unresolved anger towards the catholic church. My response to this person was...."well duh." So I would like to add a few more thoughts on "unresolved childhood issues"....
It seems to me that people in the field of psychology have this idea that at some point in life we need to "resolve" our unresolved childhood issues. Personally, I don't think that is possible. I have said before that the best we can hope to do is to change how we react to the buttons that are pushed when these issues pop up. They also say that at some point we need to forgive those who hurt us as children. That's true, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily absolve pain and anger, it just helps to deal with it. The pain and anger may no longer be surface issues, but to a more subtle degree, they remain as motivators and energizers. The trick is to use this motivation in a positive way, not to hurt or do the same thing to others that was done to us.
My main childhood issues stemmed from violence in the home (as well as school and the neighborhood)which led to abandonment issues because there was nobody showing up to protect me. My other main issue was lack of self worth stemming from years of being taught that I was a sinner and pretty much worthless in the eyes of God. In the catholic church you are actually born with "original sin" on your soul. Talk about being powerless!
These issues motivated me to do the opposite of what was done to me. As far as my violence and abandonment issues, I made sure in my adult life that I would never physically harm a child or bully another person in anyway. My motivator was empathy i.e. not wanting another to feel the pain that I felt. But I also recognize when a button is being pushed. I do not deal well with bully tactics. I cannot stand to watch one person render another person helpless in any way. I will step in if I see an adult harming a child or a man bullying another man or woman. I do not want to "resolve" these issues to the point that I am no longer effected by them.
As far as my church issues go, people who know me think that I am angry with the catholic church and I have to take issue with this. The fact of the matter is, I am angry with all churches! Let me be clear that it is the institutions of religion and not the followers that get my goat. The followers are usually well minded folks who are just trying to do the right thing. My personal issue with churches has to do with my personal disembowelment by the nuns and priests when I was a child. This childhood experience has been my motivator for seeking truth over lies and freedom over control. Had I "resolved" my church issues, my life long search for truth would have been much more apathetic and without the zeal and passion in my quest for honesty and self empowerment. Plus, I suffer from this little side effect that makes me have to poke fun at religions. They owe me that much, please let me keep it.
These inner issues are what makes us who we are and makes us do the things we do. We do not have to resolve them. We just need to learn from them and let the pain of our childhood be a motivator to move forward in our own lives so that we don't make the same mistakes that others before us have made. Isn't this evolution? Forgive and forget? No way. Forgive....maybe, but never forget because then the lesson is lost. Resolve our childhood issues? No....turn them around.
Comments
Try to remember that not all of us had bad experiences in our religious upbringings and may get offended by some of your offerings. You might also consider the idea that bitterness is a poison you feed yourself. Harboring a grudge against anyone or anything over time only hurts you, not them. I hope someday you're able to heal and let it go.
Joes reply....I never said that these things happened to anybody but myself. However, worse things did happen to other boys in the catholic church. You should never be offended by someone elses opinion on something. That would be like "a bitter poison you feed feed yourself", and "over time only hurts you, not them". But you are right that I should let it go....over time.
Posted by: Dane Langston | December 4, 2007 11:24 AM
I actually agree with your take on "resolving childhood issues". And I'm a very conservative Catholic.
I don't mind your being angry at religion in general or the Church in particular, but I do mind your misrepresenting them. The cruelty of the nuns who made you kneel for six hours does not represent the teachings of the Church. The alcoholism of the priests you knew does not represent the teachings of the Church. On the contrary, both are sinful deviations.
It is unfortunate that you seemed to have been born into a seriously dysfunctional form of Catholicism, but your experiences, while valid, do not define a 2,000 year old Church that has produced millions of saints, martyrs, and holy men and women over the centuries.
If you're going to speak of original sin and "powerlessness", then you should also speak of the Church's teaching on sanctity and the incredible power of grace. Better yet, read the Holy Father's latest encyclical "On Christian Hope" - and there you will find anything but a message of "powerlessness".
Criticize the Catholic Church all you like, but please don't misrepresent her teachings.
Joes reply....Jeff, you are right, my experiences do not define the church. They do however help define my feelings towards the church. If you want to look at the 2,000 year history of the church, then besides saints and art and many of the good things that did come out of the church, you have to also look at the torture and holy wars and the part the church played in bringing about and sustaining the dark ages, not to mention it's history of suppressing science. You are right that I was born into a dysfunctional form of catholicism, as well as a dysfunctional family!
Posted by: Jeff Culbreath | December 4, 2007 12:34 PM
Joe: "If you want to look at the 2,000 year history of the church, then besides saints and art and many of the good things that did come out of the church, you have to also look at the torture and holy wars and the part the church played in bringing about and sustaining the dark ages, not to mention it's history of suppressing science."
Torture? The Church's condemnation of torture has been made explicit in recent years. In earlier times, it was not so clear, although many prominent churchmen - including Popes - opposed the excesses of their times.
Holy wars? You mean The Crusades? The Crusades were a just response to an aggressive Muslim army bent on conquering the Christian world. There were abuses, as there are in any war, and these have always been condemned by the Church. I have read that men returning from the Crusades were automatically banned from the sacraments for three years.
As for the Dark Ages, you're a little mixed up there. The barbarians plunged Europe into the Dark Ages after they conquered Rome: Europe was subsequently rescued and rebuilt by the Catholic Church and her monastic orders, especially the Benedictines.
The Church's supposed role in "suppressing science" is also a myth. The theology and patronage of the Catholic Church is what made modern science possible in the first place, despite a few prudential mistakes commonly touted by her enemies.
See "How The Catholic Church Built Western Civilization" by Thomas J. Woods for a good scholarly treatment of the subject.
Joes reply....Jeff, I respect your faith in the church, however, I think history has a different perception than you do about the shannanigans of the church over it's 2000 year history. To say the church never practiced or condoned torture is paramont to saying that the holocaust never happened. The church has been very crafty at revising their history. But you have your own truth established about that and I do not want to try to change your mind.
Posted by: Jeff Culbreath | December 4, 2007 04:10 PM