From outside the box

I've mentioned before that I come from a very large family. And in this very large family there is a great blend of dysfunction, artistical talent, and "fearless-in-your-face-here's-what-I-think-about-that" kinds of folks. Ahh, the perfect recipe for being a blogger. So recently I put the word out to my family to see if anybody would like to be a guest blogger. Dawn Hershey is my first response. A little background on Dawn....Dawn is my thirty something year old niece who moved to Hollywood several years ago with ambitions of becoming an actress and ended up working for Nickelodeon as a casting director for the "Hey Arnold" cartoon series. She has since started her own voice casting agency called "Blind Light" and has been very successful. They mostly do voices for video games. Dawn works with a lot of movie stars and always has great stories when she comes to town. She likes to use the F word a lot (as we all would in a perfect world) and since this blog site is pretty much PG rated, I will have to do a little creative editing....Here's Dawns blog......

Title: I GOT A F...ING BLOG.

My f...ing cat pissed all over my $300 comforter last night in a defiant rage because I’m never home. In an insane rage of fury I grabbed 15 paper towels to soak up the lake he left on my lap, (yes he jumped up on my bed, squatted on my lap, gave me the “I’m so cute, wanna cuddle and watch Oprah look” and then pissed on me).

I sopped. and I cursed. and I blotted... then stood there in a daze not knowing what the hell to do with the 15 pieces of pissy paper towels, knowing every second that I stood holding the HUGE wad was a second longer the left-over piss had to soak into the duvet cover.

So in a rage, I ran to the toilet and flushed them all down at once.

It was 10:30 at night, and I had to quickly separate the down comforter from the duvet without touching the stinky pee, and figure out how I was going to get it to the locked laundry room in the basement of my apartment complex, in the dark. MY MAID USUALLY DOES THIS. Do I have quarters? Do I have a laundry key? Do I have soap? Can you put down comforters in the washing machine?! So I managed to get the key, find some quarters, get the detergent, and lug the 2 piss soaked blankets down to the basement in the dark, (where the Axe-murderer was probably hiding) and shove them into the machine without touching the wet part.

I took a breath, I got another blanket off the guest bed, where my evil a..hole cat was now peacefully sleeping. I wanted to kick him in the f...ing teeth. I hurled the blanket out from under him, cussed his fat ass out, like an angry white trash wife living in a white trash trailer and went to bed.

Woke up this morning, to his usual loud, droning, “wake up mom” cries, fed him, and took my morning pee.

AND LOW AND BEHOLD, MY TOILET WAS CLOGGED AND STARETED OVERFLOWING!

This cannot be happening to me today. I don’t have the resources to deal with this. My maid doesn’t come for 3 more days, my boyfriend is at his house, sick with a cold, I have no apartment manager, I have no one to turn to. I have no plunger, I have no draino, and I certainly don’t know how to find a roto-rooter thing, and even if I did, I would not know what the hell to do with it, (except stick it up my cats ass, and turn the crank really fast).

So now work is piling up, I have 3 videogame offer letters to get out to the has-been-B-List cast members of the Princess Bride Movie, 2 scripts to read, 100 auditions to listen to, a cast list to make, and my producer quit last week, so I need to get a solution in place, I’m PMSing, I’m hungry... The morning coffee I drank is kicking in... I have no toilet, and my uncle Joe sends an email asking people to take time out of their busy schedules to “Blog”... ARE YOU F...ING KIDDING ME!? I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS.

And that’s it. Now I want to commit murder.