From outside the box

At the risk of sounding like a total nut case here, I'm going to write about something that has always been quite fascinating to me....my committee. But then again, if I'm a nut, we all are, because we all have this committee. The committee I'm talking about is a group of characters that reside inside of my head. They advise me, temp and coerce me, chastise me, motivate me, warn me....they basically keep me on course. Intellectuals of higher learning and understanding than myself may call this committee the sub conscious, logic, Id, or whatever the proper term is for our inner guidance system, however, I prefer the more colorful image of a committee of characters residing in my head, always arguing and making deals with each other to keep me in line.

I play with these characters like a child might play with a doll. Over time I change their appearance, I dress them in various garbs, they might even get a haircut. Sometimes one of them gets replaced with an updated version. Sometimes one of them goes into a deep sleep for months or years at a time. Some of them I like and some just piss me off. Sometimes I try to get rid of the ones that anger me, but sooner or later, they usually come back. Allow me to introduce you to my committee.....

The loudest character on my committee is one I call the "Jewish Mother". She lets me know when I screw up, she's very good at guilt tripping me. I've tried to kill her off, but she just won't die. I do have to say though, she seems to get quieter as I get older. Thank God for that.

Another character, one who had more influence when I was younger but seems to be fading with time, is one I call "Woody Allen". He's the one that tries to shake my confidence, he tells me I'm not worthy or I'm not good enough to try something. He was very prominent when I was younger and dating a lot. He still speaks up now and then, but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring him.

Then there's the character I call "The comedian". He tries to point out the humor in everything. Sometimes he gets me into trouble because I might laugh about things that aren't that funny to other people. He's important to me though, because he keeps me from taking myself too serious.

"The Warrior" is an interesting guy. He's big and muscular, and doesn't like to take any shit from anybody. He too has gotten me into trouble because he's always ready for a good fight. He's a good guy to have on my side, I just have to control him and not let him control me.

The "Intellectual" wears glasses, looks like a nerd, and like the others, is always vying for my attention. He thinks he's smarter than he really is but he comes in handy when I have to say something "smart" or when I buy something big at Costco and have to assemble it. Him and the comedian will often pair up together. They make a good team. When they are in balance, the humor comes out smart and the smart comes out with a dash of wit.

The "Artist" sits near the head of the committee. He seems to have a big say in everything I do. He is always reminding me to be creative. He believes that life is art. He pushes me to write music and poetry, take pictures of nature, speak from the heart, and mostly.... just to always walk my own path. He encourages me to see the beauty in everything as well as the detail and hidden meanings. Whenever I sit down to write, he reminds me to always "speak your truth"!

One of my least favorite characters is "Angry man". He shows up now and then in my writings as well as when people do stupid things on the highway. I know that he only exists in relation to my own unresolved childhood issues. As I age and come to terms with the pains and abuses suffered in my childhood, angry man seems to be getting quieter. He still makes a showing now and then but I've learned to cut him off when he gets too loud. He never gets the last word in anymore. Someday he will be gone altogether from the committee or at least relegated to a small corner in the very back of the room.

A character I have come to terms with and even grown quite fond of as I learn to appreciate her influence is the "Female". She gives balance to the warrior, she soothes the angry man, and she is the heart of the artist. The "female" is one of the most important characters on my committee because she keeps the male characters in balance. There used to be a character called "macho man" but she kicked his ass out a long time ago. She has taught me how to gently hold a baby, write a love song, and appreciate animals and sunsets. She teaches me to nourish as well as respect all of life. Because of her, I would rather sit down and color with a four year old than watch a football game.

One of my favorite characters is one I call "The Old Indian Sage". He is the wise one. I try to listen to him often, he always steers me in the right direction. He is quite serious and yet, always has this little grin on his face. I credit him with how I try to live my life in general....take things seriously but always see the humor in every situation. He is my higher self, my soul. He never listens to the other characters, he knows he is smarter than they are. When I was younger, he would get silenced often, especially by Woody Allen, Angry Man, and The Jewish Mother. Now days, he always has the final say.

My favorite character, maybe not the most important, but my favorite, is "The Scientist." There have been so many times in my life when I was not sure which way to go, or what to do about a certain situation. Whenever there is an important decision to be made and I am not sure which is the right decision, I simply put on my white lab coat, roll up the sleeves, and become the scientist. The scientist doesn't claim to know what is right or wrong, but he isn't afraid to experiment. When I moved to Chico, when I had my first child, when I helped my parents thru death, whenever I changed jobs or started a new risky business, I put on my lab coat and just "got to it"! The scientist often makes mistakes, but it's ok because he understands that much of life is an experiment. He doesn't listen well to others advice because he likes to figure things out for himself. The scientist is often timid but always inquisitive and curious enough about the outcome that he isn't afraid to try new approaches. All that I have in my life, any wisdom I may have come to and most of what I have learned has been because of the scientist. Whenever I am at a crossroads in life and am not sure which direction to take, I just put on my lab coat and take a step forward. I always forgive myself in advance of whatever the outcome may be because, after all, I'm just experimenting, and if I get it wrong, I'll try something else and I'll keep trying until I get it right! I always keep that lab coat close by.

There are other characters on my committee but their not all worth mentioning. These are the important ones. Some of you will read this and know where I'm coming from and others may write me back with the name of a good psychiatrist. It's all in fun. I think it helps to give personalities to the inner workings of your psyche. But if you do, and if there's a nagging Jewish Mother somewhere in there, shoot the bitch. You give her too much credibility and the next thing you know you'll be force feeding everybody who comes into your home as well as guilt tripping your grown kids for not being married with kids already!