From outside the box

Growing up and as a young man, I never thought much about having kids. I wasn't really against the idea, it just wasn't on my to-do list in life. I was 23 when my first (of four) child was born. Up until that point in my life, I lived by a certain code and that code was...."Life is all about me!" There is nothing like having a baby to bring a person out of themselves, to realize that there are more important things in the world than you.

It would be nice if I could sit here and write about what a great Dad I was. The truth is, like with most things in life, I was great in some ways and terrible in others. Although that baby became the most important thing in my life, "I" still ran a close second. I vowed to work hard, but not too hard. I vowed to be a better husband, but not too much better. I vowed to do whatever I had to do to make life work for this child, while never forgetting that I was still young and wanted to have my share of fun. Fifteen months later my first son was born.

Over the next few years I got better at being a father and worse at being a husband. Soon I found myself in the role of part time single parent. Now this isn't meant to be about my personal history, I'm just trying to lay a foundation. What I want to say is that everything we do in life is a learning experience as we do it. You are not a professional parent just because you had a child. Parenting, more than anything else, is a hands on learning thing because, as they say, babies do not come with manuals.

I have learned that it takes several ingredients to make a good parent. You have to have the ability to listen to others who have raised kids. You have to be willing to sacrifice a lot of your personal dreams, or at least modify them. You have to become efficient at multi tasking. You have to realize that you have a new responsibility to yourself and your own health because what is good for you is good for the child. You have to be strong, mentally and physically. You need to have a strong enough character to be the "bad guy" when it's necessary for your child's own good. But most of all, you need to be capable of loving something more than you love yourself.

Over the years I have watched many adults, as well as teens, stumbling thru the role of parenting. Like myself, they all make mistakes. I don't pretend to have all of the answers to being a great parent, but like most parents, I have learned a few things along the way. The greatest talent we bring to parenting comes from the fact we were once children ourselves. It is so important to know that much of who we are today comes from our childhood experiences. If we can consciously connects those dots, we can see the mistakes we are doing that need to be changed as well as enhance the good things we are doing, the things that our parents did that made us better.

The most important thing we can do as parents, besides keeping our children safe, is to instill a sense of self worth. Just spending one on one time with them is important. Riding a bike or just hanging out can be better than taking them on an expensive vacation because when you are completely focused on the child you are valuing their opinion and you are letting them know that they are worth your time. Physical abuse, talking negative, abandoning, ignoring, and not touching, break down a child's self worth. These things just layer on the crap they will eventually have to remove later in life, and I can tell you from experience, it takes a lot of work.

All parents want their children to be happy and successful in life. I don't think there is any one thing we can do to ensure that. Some kids will find their way regardless of what we do or don't do. However, it is our responsibility to do the best we can, considering who we are and the tools we have to work with. Life is hard for everybody, and it's going to be hard for our kids as well. So why not give them a good start by giving them a little more of yourself?