One of my top 100 all time fantasy jobs is to be a movie reviewer (it is actually #83 on my list, just below #82 which is to be a professional wine taster and just ahead of #84 which is to review the best five star resorts in America). The only reason I never went into the reviewing business is because you have to learn how to use complicated adjectives. To me, reviewing movies, like reviewing wine, or reviewing anything for that matter, should be simple and straight to the point, no need for all the who-ha. Hey, I just used five comma's in one sentence!
Since one of my goals in life is to experience, to some small degree, a taste of what it would be like to do every one of my top 100 fantasy jobs (like in 1958 when I jumped of the roof of our chicken barn with an umbrella and sprang my ankle because I wanted to see what it would be like to be an astronaut....#45 on my list) I am going to write a small review of every movie that is now playing that I have seen....in my own personal style of how I think movies should be reviewed, and I will be done with it forever. Then it's on to #85 on my fantasy job list which is of course operating a wrecking ball machine which I will experience by throwing a brick through my bedroom window. Here are my reviews....
Paranormal Activity....The scariest movie ever made? Give me a break! If this movie scares you, even a little, you need to move back home with mom and dad because you are not ready for the real world. Scary? No. Genius? yes. I highly recommend this movie for business entrepreneurs who want to know how to turn $11,000 into $150,000,000.
Couples Retreat....I laughed twice. That wouldn't be so bad if this was a thriller or a horror flick. Problem is, it's supposed to be a comedy! It's crap.
The Fourth Kind....They got a saying down in Texas, or maybe it's Tennessee, that say's "Fool me once and it's, I don't know, somebody's fault. Fool me twice and...uh....well your not gonna fool me again." This movie tried to fool me! Aliens in Alaska? I don't think so. The last time I checked, aliens don't wear any clothes. That's why they go to Roswell New Mexico and area 51 in Nevada. But the way that lead actress Milo Jovecheninichichsky stares at the camera with those beautiful green eyes makes it a must see film!
The Box....I'll let the audiences response speak for itself. At the end of this movie a guy stood up in the second row and said, "WTF did I just see?" after which a woman in the first row yelled out, "I want my money back!" Then this big ugly guy stands up and say's "Lets get em!". He was of course speaking of lynching the management of the theatre for bringing this movie to town. OK, that guy was me, but I must of had a point because the whole theatre immediately produced shovels and wooden rakes as they ran into the hallways screaming "Who's idea was this?!" Twenty minutes later folks were quietly heading out towards their cars in the parking lot as three twenty something year olds, hung by their own ties, swung from the rafters in the main lobby.
Zombieland....You got Woody Harrelson who's always on the search for new ways to kill Zombies, Bill Murray playing a caricature of himself, and Zombies running amok at Magic Mountain. What's not to like? I highly recommend this film.
Law Abiding Citizen....Gerard Butler is at his best when he's killing people, not when he's romancing Jennifer Aniston. This film is a must see for anybody who ever wondered what it would be like to be able to kill anybody, anytime, anyplace, and never be anywhere near the crime scene when it happens. Come on, we all have an inner psychopath who needs to be nurtured every now and then. If you can't see this film for yourself, then see it for him.
That's all I've seen so far. Today, in fact in about 15 minutes, I'm going to see Amelia with Hillary Swank. I could probably review this film without ever seeing it because I know how this story ends....kind of. Plus, it's got Richard Gere and everybody knows what happens in every Richard Gere movie....At some point he gets really upset, at some point he will cry, at another point he does something that makes women want to be with him, and in every scene his hair looks really good. Let's see if I'm wrong, I'll get back to you.
About Me: I am a baby boomer and a true product of the sixties. Although a lot of great ideals came out of that era, my generation made a lot of mistakes as well. I have tried to take the best of those ideals, as well as the lessons learned from my life experiences along the way, and hone them into a philosophy that gives me direction and purpose. This philosophy of mine is a witless blend of one part liberal, two parts practical, and three parts spiritual, mixed with just enough dry humor....to make you want to puke. This wouldn't be such a terrible thing if it weren't for the fact that I like to write. But I do. I hope you enjoy.
that was hilarious, i was laughing out loud through the whole thing. i love the part about richard gere. hope the movie was good. kinda made me glad i haven't seen a movie lately, they all sound awful.
and folks, this is from a connoisseur of the movie industry. Uncle Joe has been a regular movie goer since the 50's, I can vouch hor this cause I was with him at the 2nd movie he ever saw, (or maybe it was his 3rd?)
For months, after each movie, Uncle Joe could recall the clothes they wore, subliminal gestures and the dramatic details and that was from the 'older teens' huggin 'n' kissin in front of us. Joe would sit behind them in case the movie was a flop, probably why I liked going to the movies with Uncle Joe. ~mike
Joe's reply....Too funny!! Mike, I also remember that sometimes we'd sit in the theatre all day watching the same movie like 3 times! But your right, the teenagers making out in the theatre was the best part.
I agree totally! I love your taste in movies that's why I would always ask you about a movie before I went to see it.
Zombieland is a must see! Very funny movie and the rules of Zombieland that is throughout the movie are great.
Paranormal Activity, My wife and I left the movies saying "ummm what did we just watch?" It left me wanting more, during the whole movie I was thinking, OK when is the good part?