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December 17, 2006
Another Kind of Scrooge
By Jack Lee
The Mother was busy cleaning her house for probably the 10th time in the past week, when her adult daughter called and asked her to go shopping for a few hours. She snapped at her, "NO! We've got the employees coming over tomorrow for the Christmas party and I have get this place cleaned up! I just have way too much to do. I don't have the luxury of free time like some people. I can't just drop everything and run off and go shopping whenever I feel like it. Why don't you and Paul (her husband) go shopping, because I can't !" And so the conversation went, the daughter practically begging and the Mother saying NO, until it was over and then they were both mad at each other.
The mother had acted rushed, tense and her voice had an air of condescending hostility. She was frustrated that her daughter couldn't appreciate the enormity of the responsibility placed on her to host a Christmas party. She was such a busy person between her professional obligations and running her fancy home.
The daughter turned to her husband and complained, "She won't go. She's always like that to me, especially this time of year. She acts like she has all these things she has to do and nobody else could possibly understand ...Well, it's just stuff she imposes on herself - BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE CARES! I'm sick of asking her to do something with me and then being yelled at!" She was filled with disappointment and heartbreak - "I just wanted my Mom to go shopping with me for once. I'm really sick of her attitude!" And tears filled her eyes as her husband said softly, "C'mon sweety, I'll take you... forget her."
This ultra organized mother was so completely into her own agenda that she is oblivious to feelings of those closest to her. She is one of those who was always too busy to do spontaneous family things, but the upside was her house has always sparkled with cleanliness. In fact, this place would do justice to a hospital O-R, it is not only the epitome of clean, but it's organized to the max too, Felix Unger couldn't do better!
We probably all know somebody like this or maybe.... you're like this? If you are, then I say (taking on the part of the ghost of Christmas past now) with all due sincerity, you have lost your priorities and you are at risk of pushing aside one of life's greatest gifts, the love of family. Let me make this really, really clear.... your family needs must come before your need to dust! Sometimes you have to let that cleaning go for the sake of your family.
When you're lying there on your death bed, do you want your $1200 Kirby with it's 18 cleaning attachments parked next to you, or would you rather have your son or daughter beside you holding your hand and comforting you, telling you how much they love you?
At this time of year it's important to reflect on your family and focus on what's really important in life. Then have the good sense and courage to prioritize THAT into your life schedule! And if a lamp shade should go undusted as a result...well, too bad - so sad, get over yourself!
I made up this fictional character to make a point and to illustrate that point further, as I write, there are dishes in our sink and the bed's still not made! The carpet hasn't seen a vaccum in 5 or 6 days...and you know what? It's ok. We will live and the house will survive until the next cleaning day! This is our busy time of year, not for cleaning, but for family. We DO things with our kids, our relatives and our friends. And if house cleaning suffers a little, so be it!
For example, today I took one of my daughters for a ride on our ATV. She was laughing out loud as we raced across the newly plowed field, we had a blast. Later we all had lunch in Afton (population 25) and later still we all spent time grooming horses and feeding cows together, not because we had too, but because we wanted too as a family.
These are our family memories. Your compulsive floor waxing is not a meaningful memory, nor is sucking the dust off the back of the drapes, get it? This is your ghost of Christmas past telling you .....Do something with your family Mr. or Mrs. Work-a-holic, tis the season and life is short! Don't be a Scrooge to your family.
Posted by Post Scripts at December 17, 2006 04:36 PM
Comments
amen to that Jack...great commentary
Posted by: Nick Freitas at December 17, 2006 08:07 PM
Great post and I'll say it again...you're a good dad Jack Lee! I'm sure that as you lay dying your bed will be surrounded by friends and family in abundance!
I can relate to the fictional Mom in your story a little, and I agree with you most heartily that being a fanatic about work and work related things, or about cleaning, while pushing family aside is no way to live...particularly during the holidays! This portrait of "mother" is truly awful and sometimes all too true. So a visit from Christmas "present" is in order for all of you dealing with this kind of ho ho horrible mom!
Let us explore the spirit of the season...good will toward men and the simple act of giving . If Mom has already committed to this party for her co-workers, and if her family gives a jingle for her, they might offer to help her get ready for the party in exchange for a shopping date another day. Husband might counsel the daughter to offer a little Christmas cheer instead of attitude, even if Mom is being unreasonably scroogy...and he could suggest that Mom might be pursuaded to take an hour or two for shopping if daughter offered to clean the bathrooms and help prepare or serve the food.
Of course Dad might already know that mom is just as icey as the snowman...no amount of kindness or help will matter. The only thing to do in this case is accept that about her. As a friend once said, "Rocks are hard, water is wet, and Mother is Mother." Knowing this, it would be better to ask a friend, or dad, to go shopping and let Mom do her thing...avoid the fight you know will occur instead of instigating it. Then take one step more and bring her a small gift...a dinner bell for instance... something that let's her know she is important to you and that her needs also matter to you. This small Christmas gesture might be enough to melt some of that ice...and bustle.
Thank you Jack for this visit from the "ghost of Christmas past". Your encouragement to be mindful, in a very entertaining way, of the importance of family and fun this Christmas is a true gift of the season!
Are you sure your name isn't George Baily?
Posted by: Tina at December 17, 2006 10:29 PM
I know somebody exactly like this too, so I can relate!
Posted by: Madhatter at December 18, 2006 09:00 AM
OMG THIS IS MY MOM! Skip the part about the employees cause she doesn't have any but the rest is her for sure.
My Mom won't change, but maybe I can!!! I think I should send this to her, but I don't know.
Think I should?
Posted by: 1Kay_Cee_Lacey at December 18, 2006 09:03 AM
1Kay_Cee_Lacey,
I would say first check yourself for motivation. If you send it in the spirit of love and kind heartedness then no matter what her reaction is you haven't lost a thing. It might open up a conversation that improves your relationship...it might open up a can of worms. All you can do is take the risk and then be brave enough to just notice the outcome. Don't judge yourself or her...just notice. Good luck.
Let us know how it turns out if you wish. Tina
Posted by: Tina at December 18, 2006 06:51 PM