POST SCRIPTS

Well, they were an on an "online" government auction site and restricted items were up for sale to the high bidder. Bidding was intense among the many secret bidders, all 5 or 6 of us, which I'm fairly sure included the regular representatives from Al Qaeda, Tehran, Libya, China and verious but, nefarious surplus stores, always looking to purchase restricted military surplus. Somehow my bid won and I was notified by a special courier in uniform that my most deadly government restricted surplus item was now available to me for pick up, except for some paperwork I must fill out first to be sure I was worthy enough to own a pair of binoculars! (this part is absolutely true!)

Ahhahahaha...the power of it all, they were mine, mine, mine! Now begins part duex of this amazing story.

My government benefactors demanded in a special written notice that I complete several pages of paper work, one included a non-aggression statement, thus assuring that I would not turn the power of my newly acquired "binoculars" against my home country. I signed their form 210, also declaring they would not be used to invade a sovereign power nor would the binoculars be re-sold to a foreign power without the expressed written consent of the Department of Defense. And then they wanted one last thing from me. . . a background check and a security clearance, as per form 212a! That told me I had now risen to the big time, . . . DoD form 212a, it covered everything from binoculars to missile warheads!

A month and half passed after my compliance and finally the background investigation was over, done at least at a cost of about $10,000, if not more. But, it was worth it, now I had the official clearance from my government to own what our collective tax dollars had once paid $1200 for the far seeing device so some US soldier might have a great advantage on the battlefield! (The irony here is I am still a reservist and I could possibly use these binoculars in a state disaster, like the SoCal fires where we had military fire spotters working with CDF)

My out of pocket cost was much less than the government purchase price, I paid a mere $77, but no price was too great to obtain such power! And then one glorious day in January I proceeded to the Sharpe's Army Depot in Stockton, and presented a stack of DoD paper work that included my sales receipt and my special clearance authorizing me to own "restricted" military surplus, i.e. binoculars!

The secretary at the surplus center dutiefully checked over my paperwork, made copies and handed copies back to me and then directed me to warehouse C. (Then tension mounted...oh, goody the government was going to allow me to own a pair of binoculars!)

I timidly entered this huge concrete block warehouse leased by "Government Liquidators" and then with the assistance of the warehouse man, we walked down long isles of military surplus that turned into a confusing maze, not unlike the experience one might have shopping in a Lowe's store. We finally arrived at bin number 164 in isle 35a.

A stream of light from a fluorescent bulb illuminated my prize that was secured safely inside a leather case. I grabbed them, and clutched them close to my chest and looked skyward thanking the All Mighty they were mine....all mine! Ahahahaha...I laughed again and that caused a disturbed look on the warehouse man's face. Then I dashed out to my vehicle, stored my prize safely in the car and sped away for home, lest I be overtaken by any lurking Al Qaeda agents or nefarious surplus dealers!

All went well while this item was in my possession, no sovereign nations were invaded by me, no governments overthrown by me and the binoculars aged well gatheingr dust in my closet, er, trophy vault. Then, the letter came.

On Dec. 28th 2007 another government courier in uniform arrived at my door and demanded that I sign not one, but two, confirmation of deliveries from the U.S. government. I knew this was trouble right off when I saw the return address, but I could not have guessed what was inside the envelope. It was a demand letter to return my prized purchase to the U.S. government where some big dolt with a sledge hammer would then render it harmless, thus ended the long saga of the binoculars. I can only guess that this de-militarizing was probably a result of some arms treaty with the Russians again, first it was our nukes and now this?

If they get them back, how will I complete my plan for world domination, I thought. This was the darkest day of my evil plot to conquer the world. What will I ever do without my deadly binoculars? Hmmm...I sat there in stunned silence, then fate took a turn as it so often does in history. There was a newspaper open to the classified ads sitting right next to me on the dinning room table. My eyes scanned down to a bold half page ad. It was an after Christmas sale going on at the Big Five Stores, 10X binoculars, on sale for $39.95!!! Ahahahahahaaaa...

(Note) This story is true, well at least up to my minor embellishments. The sale of the governmnet surplus binoculars did require a security check and special paper work. And now years later, the government is so worried about them being in my hands that they are demanding them back so they can be destroyed. Well, it's a shame, but over two years ago I lost them off my boat into the deep of Lake Oroville. I have the general coordinance, so maybe they will mount a salvage operation?