Ship of Fools

Suffering Succotash

2008-11-23T17:51:20Z

The dish succotash is more or less a lost cuisine. It still has a small following in the deep south and scattered locations in the north-east but its more a novelty food than a main staple. In the north-east its often served on Thanksgiving much the way green bean cassarole is served here and in the south the elderly still eat it regularly but as they die off less and less people will be cooking and serving it. Here on the west coast most people don't even know what it is. And thats a real shame because its really good and really easy.

There is no clear evidence that states when succotash first started being served but there is a lot of evidence about its popularity during the depression. My theory is that it is a food borne of necessity and availablity. It is comprised of a few basic ingredients that most people would have redily available on their farm just about year round. It's nutritious, comprised of all the elements of a complete meal (carbs, fats, fiber, and protien) and best of all its cheap to make.

There are several ways of making it but traditionally its some mixture of beans, corn, butter and cream. Most nutritional anthropologists tend to think that lima beans (butter beans) were the most widly used which would make sense considering that lima beans are easy to grow and keep very well through the winter. Green beans, kidney beans, and great northern beans are also very popular.

I have my recipe which I'll share with you below. Mine is nothing more than onion, lima beans, corn, butter, and cream with a little salt and pepper to taste. Now keep in mind that I HATE lima beans but for some reason they are wonderful in succotash. Can't get past the lima beans? Green beans make a great substitute especially in the summer when they are in season. Also, I use frozen beans and corn. Yeah, I've used fresh before. I've cut the kernels off the corn, then even milked the cob to thicken the sauce. It was a lot more work, kinda messy, and the end result was indistinguishable from the frozen-veggie recipe I usually use. Finally, this may not be the exact recipe. I've never measured my amounts and I've never written anything down so this is my guess. Hope it turns out well for you and that I can reintroduce this dish to a new generation who can make it into a family favorite. Enjoy.

2 Tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 Large red onion, roughly chopped
1 cup frozen lima beans (lima beans should be light green. If you see any olive or brown colored beans pull them out and toss them)
1 cup frozen corn
1/4 to 1/2 cup heavy cream (dont use skim milk, you'll end up with soup)
Kosher salt* and pepper to taste

Melt the butter in a pan over medium high heat. Add the onion and cook for about two minutes until just barely starting to lighten in color on the edges. Add the salt (about 1/2tsp is good) but not the pepper. Add the still-frozen beans and stir occasionally until the beans are thawed and just starting to get warm. Add the still-frozen corn and stir occasionally until they are just warm. Turn the heat down to medium low. Add the pepper (10 grinds on the pepper mill or about 1/8tsp) and the cream about 1/4 cup at a time. Stir or toss to coat and cook until the cream starts to thicken. Keep it moving though otherwise your cream will scortch on the pan or worse curdle and ruin the succotash. If there isn't enough cream to cover all the veggies while you're tossing them add a little bit more. You're not trying to make a soup here, the idea is to have just enough cream to cover the veggies while they are being tossed but not enought to actually pool on the bottom of the pan. Cook this all together until the cream becomes about twice as thick as when it went into the pan, about three minutes. Taste it, need more salt or pepper? If so add it and cook another 30 seconds and taste again. If not serve.

I've read recipes that you can put succotash into a pie crust and top with various toppings from more pie crust to cheese to a bread-crumb and parmasian mix and then bake like a pot pie. I've never tried it but it sounds good to me.

I hope at least one person tries this recipe and that we can revive it into some form of popularity. If you need help or have any questions post a comment and I'll do my very best to answer it quickly.

*A word on kosher salt. Kosher salt isn't necessary for this recipe but after using kosher almost exclusivly in my kitchen for a couple years I have to say I'm a fan. Kosher salt is more of a flake than a cube and to me it has a much milder taste than regular salt. It disolves much faster while cooking and therefore more evenly seasons your food. Be aware though that kosher salt contains no iodine so if you're needing a diet rich in iodine and have been getting it from iodized salt you'll have to either stick with the salt you've been using or find another source other than salt.

Various Thoughts

2008-11-16T23:39:56Z

I, like many of you I'm sure, think a lot. What passes through my head varys greatly from the begnin to the completely bizzare. Most of them are just a flash-in-the-pan thought, a few actually have substance. Here are a few random ones to give you an insight into my mind. You've been warned.

It's not your thyroid, you're actually fat. My frist clue was the numerous hulled out Burger King wrappers surrounding you. Also the white ring of sugar around your still gaping maw shows evidence of the recent death of a Krispy Kreame doughnut.

If you can't drive at least the speed limit on the freeway stay the hell off it. This is California, there are a million ways to get just about everywhere.

Talking on your cell phone in the check out line where everyone can hear you all the while making the line move slower because you can't manage to talk and pay at the same time should be grounds for a public flogging.

Back to slow drivers. If you're going below the speed limit expect me to pass you. If in the process of doing that you decide to extend your middle finger out the window expect to pull back a stump.

Cheap often just means cheap, especially when you're talking about boots for ambulance work. The cheap boots you buy today might allow your feet to steep in the various body juices of your next patient tomorrow.

Fair is not a synonym for equal. We might not be equals and thay may not be fair, but thats the way it is.

Life isn't fair. Any attempts to make it such will more often than not end in disapointment.

Don't expect me to do my job with equipment that doesn't work.

I think that's all for now but I'm sure thats far from it. As more strange ramblings from my brain pop up I'm sure I'll post more.

Various News

2008-11-11T23:37:20Z

We all know now that Obama won. Regardless of your views on his victory I'm quite sure that you're happy it's over. This was a long vicious election cycle that seemed to go on forever. Like the last few elections by the time voting day rolled around I was so disgusted with the various candidates that I really couldn't care less who won as long as I didn't have to hear from them any more. More and more the political strategy seems not to be for the candidate to talk about their own merits and accomplishments but to criticize their opponent. Some of the things said are true, others are outright lies. The ones that get me, though, are the ones that lie somewhere in the middle. How is that possible you might ask. Well, its like this:

Lets say Bob and Joe are both running for the same office. Both have been in politics a while have cast many votes in their previous offices. In 2004, for example, there isa bill being pushed through that will legalize rape, allow 1 day prison senteces for child molesters, and mandates that at least one kitten per family has to be microwaved each day. It also allows for a 2% pay increase for military personel. Bob reads the bill, thinks to himself that 2% sounds good but 3% would be better. He votes "no". Joe also reads the bill, is satisfied with the 2% but due to his undying love for kittens also casts a "no" vote. Now in 2008 here comes Ed who wants Bob and Joes seat. He runs an ad that says "Bob and Joe hate military service men. In 2004 they both voted no on a bill that would have allowed a raise in their pay." Is this statement true? Yeah, it is. However its not the whole truth. That's what I mean about the truth lying somewhere in the middle. A huge number of ads were run this way this election cycle and I think it's disgusting. I was raised with the values that if you tell the truth you tell the whole truth. Anything short of that is a lie.

In other news India lauched its first manned space craft into space with the hopes of not only improving current lunar mapping but also finding out what lies beneath the surface of the moon. The space craft, named Chandrayaan-1, has since ran into a few technical glitches. A spokesman for for the Pakistani Defence Force states that they issue has been handed over to tech support but currently they are on hold but they have been insured their problem has been stepped up to tier two.

A recent Louisiana study found that childern as young as ten years old had the arteries of 45 year olds. Poor diet and a lack of excercise are, as always, to blame. Why? Well, because in almost every single case these are the root of the problem. I can't tell you how many overweight porkers I pick up on the ambulance who look me right in the eye and say "its my thyroid". No, honey, it's your diet. It's your compete lack of any kind of physical activity that expels more than the minimum amount of energy than it takes to shovel the next sugar coated lard biscuit into your pie-hole. I've seen true hypothyroid patients and unless there is some pandemic I wasn't made aware of the obesity, especially among children who should have the metabolism of a March hare on meth, isn't caused by hypothyroidism. Dr. Geetha Raghuveer of Children's Hospital in Kansas City, who led one of the studies, stated "This should be a wake up call." Yeah, it should. It won't be but it should. When you combine lazy with ignorant with a complete lack of acceptance of whats going on around you these kids have no hope and that's how many parents raise their kids. It's far easier to give in and drive through the McGreasy Clucker than to prepare a meal at home that has some smattering of nutritional value.

And finally Prop. 8. Well....what do I say about the passage of Proposition 8? "The Elimination of Rights of Same Sex Couples to Marry" Elimination of Rights, thats what we were voting on. Eliminating someones rights. Not protecting our kids against eduaction about same-sex unions. Have you heard a single voice rise out of the din and pernounce "Thank God Prop 8 passed, now my children are safe!" No. Why? Because thats not what the proposition was about. It was about eliminating a group of Americans rights. So California voters, be proud of what you've done. You proved that biggotry is alive and well in the modern world. Good job, you should all be proud of yourselves.

Random Thoughts

2008-10-30T17:03:04Z

The rain is due to start this evening and I for one and excited. I'm one of those weirdos that likes clouds, likes cold, and loves the rain. Last winter we didn't get nearly enough rain and this summers out of control wildfires are the result. Hopefully this winter is different and we get to see some real rainfall.

Led Zeppelin is due to start touring again....without Robert Plant. My feelings on this are mixed. I'm a huge Zeppelin fan and would love to see them in concert. Will it be the same without Plant behind the mic? No, it won't. Will it still be a killer concert? Oh hell yeah! Plant said that he just isn't interested in playing loud music anymore and that his interests have shifted. I understand where he's coming from, the man is almost 60 years old and I'm sure his desire to sing "Whole Lotta Love" over and over again to the drunk masses is just about gone. Maybe he'll surprise us and do one remember-when concert, but maybe not. People say that without Plant no one will want to see the concert which suits me just fine because that means I'll have no problems getting a front row seat. I don't think its true though. Journey has been touring without Steve Perry and has been selling out every concert so I highly doubt Led Zeppelin will have a problem.

Obama is way ahead in the polls...way way ahead. Or maybe not, he might be behind. It depends on which poll you happen to be looking at and during which minute you might be looking. Some polls have Obama ahead by as many as 15%, others he's behind by 1% . Why the huge gap? Some say it has to do with registered voters vs likely voters. I think its that polls are often nothing more than opinion and should always be taken with a grain of salt. One thing that no one seems to mentioning but has crossed my mind is that the major Obama supporters are the 18-25 crowd. These people are loud and animated supporters of Obama and if pulled aside on the street and asked will proclaim with glee their undying support for Obama and everything he stands for. Unfortunitly this is always the smallest group to actually turn up at the polls and vote. On the other hand major McCain supporters are the 40-55 year olds who are often much less vocal in their support of whichever candidate they like and if pulled aside on the street for a poll will more often than not tell the pollster to suck rocks. This crowd also has one of the highest voter turnouts on election day. I think the only real way to see whos going to win the election is to wait until after election day and count the ballots. Unless you're in Florida...thats another story.

And as a final thought I offer this. Go vote. Vote Obama, vote McCain, vote Barr, vote for anyone you like. Or don't vote for president if you don't like the choices. Just vote for the propositions, or the local offices. Regardless get out and vote. The system only works when you participate. And if you don't vote don't bitch that things didn't go the way you would have liked them. Unless you participate you have no room to talk.

From My Brother

2008-10-21T04:39:33Z

My brother, Jordan, sent me this message and I thought I would share it:

After watching the debates, reading the position statements, and hearing what both the major party candidates have to say I've decided who should be our new President. Bob Barr. WHO???? Bob Barr. He's from Georgia, he's a citizen, held a seat in the House of Representatives, and is a lawyer. He's also the Libertarian Party candidate. Tired of the big govt? Feel like you, time and again, vote AGAINST a candidate rather than FOR one? Feel like you just pick the lesser of two evils over and over? WAKE THE HELL UP! You don't have to vote for major party candidates, you boob! Look at the statements of the Greens, the Libertarians, the Peace and Freedoms, and the Indies. See what you like? Vote for them. After a while, the major parties that we know will reform, or go a way. It won't happen over night, but it will happen. Change is for us to make, not for politicians to talk about. Do your duty and change things yourself.
http://www.bobbarr2008.com

I have to say that I agree. It seems like every election all the candidates sit and discredit each other until, by the time election day comes around, I feel so disgusted by the whole process I can barely force myself to vote. This year I decided a couple weeks ago that I wasn't going to vote for McCain or Obama. I haven't decided if I like Barr (Lib.) or Keyes (Ind.) but I sure as hell won't be voting for the those two butts.

The Independence party is gaining ground. When I registered to vote in 1998 registering as an Independent was akin to saying you're part of the Bull Moose party. Now the Independent party is gaining ground and being spoken of as a very real threat against the Democrats and Republicans. And that's a good thing. A little competition is healthy and maybe, just maybe, will shake up the government enough to force a little honesty out of them.

Sourdough Bread

2008-10-17T19:33:23Z

I've always said to myself, and to my readers a time or two, that I would post a few of my favorite recipies but for some reason I never have. You see, I love to cook and slowly but surly I've corrupted my wife and she loves to cook now too. She's become quite good too I might add. Part of my passion for cooking goes beyond serving good food but sharing the recipies with others so they can make good food too. Beyond that now I'm starting to get into the science on why food tastes the way it tastes. Its a slippery slope and I'm well on my way down, what can I say?

So here is a simple one, dear readers. And for those who say "But sourdough is a pain in the butt! You have to make a starter, feed it, keep it from growing all kinds of yuckies. No way!" this will be the sourdough for you. No starter, not even any kneeding. Its really as simple as can be. In fact the more you leave it alone and ignore it the better off it will be. I wish I could say it was my own recipe that I made up but its not. Its actually a recipe that I modified a bit from Alton Brown's show Good Eats. Enjoy.

16 ounces bread flour, plus extra for shaping (Thats just a touch over 4 cups in case you're wondering)
1.5 ounces whole wheat flour (a touch under half a cup)
1/4 teaspoon active-dry yeast
3 teaspoons kosher salt
12 ounces water (If you live in an area with chlorine in the water use bottled. Yeast doesn't like chlorine)
2 tablespoons cornmeal

Directions
Whisk together the flour, yeast and salt in a large mixing bowl. Add the water and stir until combined. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow to sit at room temperature for 19-24 hours.

After 19-24 hours, turn the dough out onto a lightly floured work surface. Punch down the dough and turn it over onto itself a couple of times. Cover with a towel and allow to rest 15 minutes. After 15 minutes, shape dough into a ball. Coat hands with flour if needed to prevent sticking. Sprinkle the tea towel with half of the cornmeal and lay the dough on top of it, with the seam side down. Sprinkle the top of the dough with the other half of the cornmeal and cover with the towel. Allow to rise for another 2 to 3 hours or until dough has doubled in size.

Heat your BBQ on high. Yeah, your BBQ. Put a couple of bricks wrapped in heavy foil in there to heat too. Let it get HOT. Set a 5-quart Dutch oven on top of your grill rack and allow to preheat during the last 30 minutes of the second rise. Carefully transfer the dough to the 5 Qt. Dutch oven (or any other heavy duty pot with a lid.) Place hot bricks on top of the lid. Youll want to turn the burner directly under your pot off but leave the others on high or medium high (this is indirect heat and will help prevent the bottom from turning black. Bake for 45 minutes or until the bread reaches an internal temperature of 210 to 212 degrees F. Transfer the bread to a cooling rack and allow to cool at least 15 minutes before serving.

This comes out so good and its so easy. Its just cooked in kind of an unconditional way. You could do it in the oven at about 450° as long as you get everything hot just as with the BBQ. When you pull the bread out you'll be greeted with a popping and cracking sound of the crust getting crispy and crunchy while the inside stays chewy and moist. Just make sure you wait about half an hour before you cut into it otherwise you'll just mush the bread. Good luck!

Oh Baby

2008-10-16T21:52:12Z

Last night was a first. Five years on an ambulance makes you think you've seen just about everything. But the paragods are vicious mean spiteful gods and every once and a while they like to throw you a curve ball, especially at three in the morning.

So this morning, at the fore-mentioned time, my alert tones went off. I listened to the address through the still-half-asleep haze and then listened for the nature of the call so I would know what I would be up against. The words that wafted through the air were enough to wake me up fully and make me want to beat myself soundly in the head with a Buick. MATERNITY. "This won't be half bad." I thought to myself. "Maybe its not actually maternity. Maybe its just Braxton-Hicks, or indigestion. Maybe if were lucky we wont even have to transport out of town." (For those who don't know my response area is Gridley and Biggs-Gridley Hospital doesn't not have a delivery room.)

Arriving on scene I was greeted by a VERY pregnant young lady and her husband who walked up to the ambulance. She calmly explained that her water just broke (DOH!) but the contractions were 3-4 minutes apart (WOO HOO!) and this being her first child she should know as well as anyone what was going on. She climbed into the back of the ambulance, Dad climbed up front and off we went nice and calm to Freemont Medical Center.

Now remember the paragods I mentioned earlier. They pay attention, they listen, and they like nothing more than to prove you wrong. As we were driving past Live Oak I was having a very pleasant conversation with Dad about how we were going to Freemont simply because it was the closest hospital with L&D capabilities and that our ultimate goal was to not deliver a baby in the back of a filthy disgusting ambulance.* Just about then I heard mom say "I've gotta push!" and my partner calmly telling her "Just breath, you're doing just fine." About two seconds after that the ear piercing sound of new lungs giving vocal cords a whirl for the first time split the air and made me instantly wish I had become an accountant. Looking into the rear view mirror I saw my partner, a near 30 year EMS veteran, with a look on his face that could only be described as "Oh Shit!" With barely enough breath to whisper I heard him say "Step it up, bud." Which he never says. I've seen this man take full codes, amputations, drownings, and every other emergency you can think up without breaking a bead of sweat and certainly without transporting Code 3.

So off we went through the early morning city like a bat out of hell with a wide-eyed dad, a exhausted mom, a disgruntled partner, a wailing baby, and me, Mr. Currently Hating My Job. We arrived at Freemont to find the ENTIRE L&D department waiting for us on the ambulance deck. I explained (or at least I think I did. My brain had decided to abandon this mess shortly after the new arrival) that the baby had been delivered, was crying, and everything was A-Okay. "The baby was delivered in the back of the ambulance?" one of the nurses asked. "Yeah." was the best I could squeak out. "Oh! Wasn't that just the most beautiful experience ever?" If I was carrying a baseball bat she would have suddenly been wearing a wooden wig.

Off to L&D we went where Mom and Baby were found to be in good health and good condition. No one bothered to ask my partner or I how we were doing. I for one could have used a stiff drink and all I did was drive.

So there was my morning. While you, dear reader, were snuggled into your bed dreaming your dreams and freezing your partner with cold feet I was helping to deliver a baby. It's a weird perspective. You see, I've been there when plenty of last breaths and last words. I've seen many eyes close for the last time and responded to the after-effects of Deaths handy-work more times than I could count. This, however, was the first time I was witness to a first breath, a first cry, a first glimpse to a whole new world. It's not something I would want to do every day (once every five years is plenty, thank you) but now that a bit of time has worn away the rough edges of shock it was an experience I will look back on with a certain amount of awe.

*Ambulance's are filthy dirty disgusting places. There is no amount of scrubbing, disinfecting, or sterilization that can clean one up properly. There are cracks and crevices and porous areas from front to back that hides every kind of nasty goober you could possibly imagine. This may be a good environment if you've just been trampled by a yak but not for a newborn who haven't had enough time in the world to develop an immunity to it. I hear the argument "But women have been giving birth to babies in rice paddies for eons." Ill tell you from experience, the rice paddy is cleaner.

Fair Housing

2008-10-06T00:15:52Z

After vowing to change gears on this blog here I go jumping two feet into a political blog. Oh well.

In case you live under a rock let me point out to you that the housing market is in the dumps. As a result much of the US economy has taken a dive right along with it. There are doubtless many reasons for this but one of the leading contributers is the vast number of home forclosures. People left and right are losing their homes that they can no longer afford. You don't have to look long or hard to find at least one home in each neighborhood that is bank owned or right on the verge of being taken away from the family who currently owns it. A lot of the problem was that home interest rates fell so low so fast that people who would never have been able to normally afford a home of their own suddenly found themselfs in a situation where home ownership was a reality....sortta. These people were drawn into loans with extremely low interest rates to begin with that gradually went up over time. These Adjustable Rate Morgages (ARM) can be great if you plan on flipping the house quickly or only living there a couple years. But people tomorrow will forget the plans made today and when suddenly their low precentage, interest only payment started going up they were stuck. In the begining of the housing boom they could refinance their house for more than they paid for it and draw money out. But towards the end the house of cards started to collapes and they were stuck with no options other than lose what they had.

Whos fault was this? The home buyer? Certainly. Say what you will but no one put a gun to their head and forced them to buy a house that was beyond their means. Be honest, if you only earn $35,000 a year you have no business buying a $500,000 house but people were doing it because they felt if they qualified for the loan that must mean they could afford it. This of course wasn't the case and the result is evident.

Another cause, however, was so called fair housing. It started in 1980 with Carters Fair Housing project. The actual language of the Executive Order is so complicated only a lawyer could figure it out but the long and short of it was that morgage standards should be relaxed so that a larger percentage of low-income and first-time buyers could qualify for loans. The hope, of course, was to help more people throughout the nation realize the dream that is home ownership. For the most part this worked. Unfortunitly it paved the way for a much more disasterous plan because we all know that in politics if something works perfectly well it should be altered until it doesn't work at all.

In 1993 Hillary Clinton started her fair housing project and the movement was quickly picked up by her husband and then president Bill. This bill was designed to further relax the standards so that even lower income people and even homeless people and those with no income at all could get a loan. How was this done? The Executive Order stated that no home loan could be denied to any person for any reason even if they couldn't afford it. The rates, fees, and structure of the loan could be made to look unattractive as to turn the perspective buyer away but if they insisted the morgage broker had to sign the loan. This is where the trouble started.

As people who couldn't afford to buy homes bought homes the housing industry as a whole started to go down hill. The Fed would adjust interest rates to try to keep it afloat but in the end what resulted was more and more people buying homes they couldn't afford. The banks are to blame too. They were hoping that they could loan money to people who really couldn't afford their higher ARM but would stay in the house anyway and "make it work". This way they would make more money from the higher interest rate. Either that or they could get their hands on some of these forclosed homes and sell them for more than they got them for. Problem is that they suddenly had so many of these properties on their hands they got screwed. So did everyone else.

So here is the bed that we've made, America. We're all to blame. We elected these people, we voted on these bills. We didn't rise up and yell "ENOUGH" when we saw things going the wrong way. Like pigs we ate the free corn that the government was feeding us until suddenly the gates were closed and we were stuck. So now we have a 700 billion dollar punishment. Is this enough? Can we finally as a nation open our eyes and pay attention to what these politicians are doing with our money? Guess we'll see

A new ship

2008-10-05T23:39:20Z

Greetings Ship of Fools readers, if there are any of you left. I know its been, what, eight months since my last entry? I suck, I know. I feel like I owe an explanation. First of all, I've been busy...really busy. My wife and I started fostering a new baby, Seane. He is Winstons half-brother and we should have him adopted by the end of the year. Also, since the Butte County fires work has had its share of demands. Then we decided to buy a house (which we just closed escrow on Friday), and finally I've just been so fed up with politics I couldn't make myself write anything more about it. After all, what can be said? We have a congress that is so polarized that nothing ever gets accomplished. We have the presidential election where pot is constantly calling the kettle black (not a racial slur, by the way) and now we the American people are the proud owners of nearly a trillion dollars worth of worthless paper. Yay us.

So after some introspection I've decided to post again but in a different direction. Oh sure, there will still be a bit of politics involved but I'm going to try some new stuff too. Maybe recipies, some book reviews, and interesting stories (well, interesting to me) stories about work and kids and life in general. And hopefully these posts will come a bit more frequently than once every eight months.

So welcome back Ship of Fool reader. Welcome back.

Country Livin'

2008-02-05T23:31:27Z

My wife and I recently moved. Not to a new town, that would be silly. No we moved (for the forth or fifth time since we've been together) from Gridley to Gridley. But this time we moved back out to the country. We tried our hands at living in town and came to the conclusion that we despised every second of it. It's noisy, there is little privacy, its dirty, and it just doesn't hold the kinds of charm that we were looking for. So now we live in "Gridley Rural", in other words the sticks. We are still renting, which is fine, but we live on a couple of acres of walnuts surrounded by hundreds of acres of prunes. Sure, we have neighbors, the closest ones are about 400 yards away and there are countless trees separating our houses. At night we can see the stars when we look up. Not just the bright ones either, all of them. Rarely do we hear a car drive by and when we do its off in the distance and I'm sure once the trees leaf out we'll notice them even less.

Sure there are a few draw backs. Now a trip into town for that forgotten loaf of bread or gallon of milk takes about half an hour round trip. I'm commuting further to work, not by much but its longer than the 11 blocks I was driving before. Also, there is no internet access out there short of dial-up. No DSL, no Cable. Believe me, we tried. So we got one of those wireless broadband cards from Verizon, it does the job okay. Hell, its faster than dial-up but not close to as fast as DSL, about four times more expensive too.

All in all its trade off. But everything is. You can't have everything after all and all things considered I feel like we came out better in the end. I'd have traded all of it just for the stars.

Nothing

2007-10-19T05:05:04Z

Here in California we have equal opportunity. The plan in the beginning was that no one should ever be excluded, and it sounded like a good idea. However now that time has marched on a bit many aren't so sure if it was a good idea at all. You see, in California nothing can happen unless EVERYONE can be involved. Doesn't matter if you're tall, short, fat, thin, handicapped, whatever. If not every single person from every single possible angle can't be 100% involved the idea gets the axe. Finally though the powers that be has found something that everyone can be involved in and that something is nothing. You see, by doing nothing no one gets offended. No one can be excluded from doing nothing because it requires absolutely no effort. The problem with nothing is that it tends to become boring and stagnant rather quickly, which if you'll notice is exactly whats going on in this state. There can be no progress because by being progressive we might leave someone out and that simply can't happen. So we do nothing. Nothing individual is ever created because everything has to fit the same mold so that everyone can be involved. And its a shame. Take old town Sacramento. Even though it has been declared a national historical center the ADA is trying to have the wooden walks taken out; "difficult to navigate in a wheelchair you know." Doors are too narrow too, can't get through them. And the bathroom! Can't get in them either, and no handicap bars! Opponents of the ADA state that if you start hacking into the structure of these historical buildings it is not only altering a piece of California's legacy, it could possibly bring the building down. ADA wont budge though. "Change it or shut it down!" is the cry heard up and down the state. So in the end what will be left of old town Sac? Nothing. The ADA is powerful and so are their lawers and a group of historical preservationists who work with donations on a volunteer basis can't possibly compete.

Also, did you know that there is a city underneath Sacramento? Parts of the city were built at sea level (river level really) but the city planners at the time saw a problem arising when the rivers got high. Did they tear town the old city? Nope, built right on top of it, about 8-12 feet on top of it actually. And its still down there too under what is now parts of downtown. Lots of cities have the same situation, Boston, Portland, Seattle. The difference is that in those cities you can tour the old lost city. But not in California! Might trip over an old cobble stone or brick, no wheel chair access, would be hard to get around in a walker too. So what does California do about the people who are interested and want to see the old buried city? Nothing. Nothing at all. It will remain buried and lost and will in time rot away and be gone forever.

We've become a pool of stagnant water in this state. In our attempt to be progressive and include anybody we've become regressive and have excluded everybody. It's a shame too, there's a lot to this state and a lot that could be done. But nothing works better than nothing I suppose.

Ahmadinejad visits New York

2007-09-24T22:20:05Z

Despite many people very vocally questioning the wisdom of letting the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visit the US today he stepped foot on American soil in New York City...and immediately started spouting the same bullshit that he always does. In front of a large audience at Columbia University the Iranian President continued to deny that the Holocaust ever occured, stated that he doubted that Al-Qaida had any involvment in the 9-11 attacks, and stated that there are no homosexuals in Iran. The president of Columbia University, who apparently wasn't impressed with Ahmadinejad's comments retorted stating that he sounded like a "petty and cruel dictator," and that he was "either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated." Ahmadinejad, who of course is used to having a pair or two of lips afixed to his rear at all times, took exception to these remarks stating ""I should not begin by being affected by this unfriendly treatment." Dude, wake up. You weren't exactly welcomed to this country with open arms, then you show up and spout your skewed version of the truth. Did you honestly believe you were going to stand up in front of educated people and spout off with that crap and not have anyone question you? Tell ya what, go back to Iran and whine to everyone who will listen about how cruel and mean the people of America are and how we treated you with such a large degree of unkindness. Speaking for myself, as an American, your opinion of me and my country matters not at all. Do I concern myself with how the turd feels after I've stepped in it? No, I clean it off my boot and continue with my day never giving it a second though which is exactly what I intend to do with you, Mr. "President".

Martyrs

2007-09-12T22:39:56Z

Alright, enough is enough. Every time I turn on the TV I end up having to endure through some sports star looking downcast and trod upon. With their "poor me" puppy-dog look and their slow-and-low tone they would have us believe that their lives are nothing but sacrifice and hard times. Guess what boys, you haven't sacrificed anything. Nothing. I don't know what the latest obsession is with these people trying to make everyone believe that they are martyrs of some sort but it really has to stop. These are people who make millions, if not tens of millions of dollars every year to play a game. Overall their contribution to society is almost zero. If I made that kind of money you can bet that I would spend every waking hour looking like Smiling Bob on the Enzyte commercials.
So please, boys, stop trying to act like something you're not. Life is good now. Whatever crappy life you had before you've left it behind. Smile, be happy. And can I borrow a few bucks?

What I've learned from EMS - A Life Lesson

2007-09-01T20:34:20Z

To my readers, I'm going to try to keep this semi clean but my apologies in advance if you get offended. Here goes my rant:

It's a fact of life. The older you are, the funnier you smell. Everyone remembers wrinkling their nose at the occasional malodorous burst that your grandfather would emit from his recliner. We all have that one Great-Aunt who never quite got the message that bathing in lilac perfume not only didn't make her attractive, but was also socially inappropriate at funerals and baptisms.

Eventually though we're all going to reach the age when our olfactory abilities are no longer quite up to snuff, and then we too will join the ranks of the Funny-Smelling-Old-People. In the hopes of brightening the lives of all of the various and theoretical individuals who will be involved in caring for us though, let me offer a few ground rules that I've thought up during the course of my intensive studies of the aged human.

Rule Number 1:
If you urinate on yourself, change your garments and/or bed sheets immediately. If unable to fulfill this task immediately alert your caretaker to the problem. If caretaker is a lazy NA in a nursing home, threaten to cut some bacon off that rear end of hers if she doesn't get you some new drawers.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but when you have no brain (quite literally, as the Alzheimer's disease has put millions of little holes through yours) you might need a little reminder now and then. This is a bigger problem with little old men than with little old women. These 80+ year old gentlemen have worn the same pair of tighty-whities since Churchill was smoking cigars and fending off Nazis, and by God you're not going to change that habit now. True, the tighty-whities would now be more appropriately called tighty-yellowies, tighty-brownies, or tighty-WHAT THE HELLies, but the stench of old man funk, urine, and last weeks nursing home brand chili-con-carne is appealing and soothing to the most ancient of men.

All the same- fellas, change it up every now and then. If for no other reason than to spare the young paramedic who's come to pick you up off the floor the overpowering stench of your manly musk. The gentleman I picked up last night had been on a "Nothing but asparagus, and garlic" diet for about a week based on the incredible odor that was released every time he spread his sizeable thighs.

Rule Number 2:
If you have a colostomy bag, wear it. ALWAYS.

According to Wikipedia, a colostomy is "a surgical procedure that involves connecting a part of the colon onto the anterior abdominal wall, leaving the patient with an opening on the abdomen called a stoma. This opening is formed from the end of the large intestine drawn out through the incision and sutured to the skin. After a colostomy, feces leave the patient's body through the stoma, and collect in a pouch attached to the patient's abdomen which is changed when necessary."

I don't know how much more detail I need to go into on this one. The implications of not following my rather simple directive are obviously severe, but sadly it's a problem that millions, if not billions of Americans face everyday. At least it seems that way to me. Letting poo literally run down your entire body, including into the open, gangrenous wound on your foot is just bad form. There's nothing at all Christian about doing that.

Of course if you do let all of this happen to you, you're probably crazy enough to latch onto the railing of the staircase with your old-lady claw hands, and contort yourself into an ungodly position. And did you just manage to get your head stuck between two of the support posts for the railing? You did? Good. Time to call the Fire Department.

Rule Number 3:
Do not, at any time, place your nasty old-lady hands anywhere near the paramedic's genitals.

"Ma'am, with all due respect- please stop cupping my genitals. I don't care if I do look like a guy you dated in 1928" Yeah, I'd hoped to make it to at least 30 before I had to use that line, but unfortunately my chosen profession will afford me no such luxury. This rule doesn't have as much to do with terrible smells as the others, but it's still an important announcement for the geriatric population. Once you top 60 (and I'm being generous there) it is imperative to the psychological well-being of those around you that you adopt a perfectly asexual lifestyle. IMPERATIVE. To the younger folks reading this: work hard in school, and develop the anti-Viagra. Work hard to pass a Congressional measure requiring all old folks to take said pill.

Rule Number 4:
Ladies, take care of your teats. Everyone likes American Cheese- nobody likes Boob Cheese.

There is nothing worse than boob cheese. It ruins my days, and haunts my dreams. It stalks me in my nightmares- sneaking up behind me all curdled and smelling like a septic tank with a yeast infection. It's a known fact that failing to lift up your breasts and clean underneath (especially if they hang to your knees) will result in the spontaneous formation of boob cheese. Now before you get all spiritual and assume this is some sort of divine creation of new life let me assure you that if I didn't wash parts of my body all sorts of little creepy crawlies would grow there too, and I'd have no part in their creation.

Now many of you may be wondering why I'm dealing with old lady boobies in the first place. Well sadly enough a few years ago they decided that paramedics were intelligent enough to apply a few stickers to a patient's chest, look at a few wavy lines on an ECG, and determine whether or not someone was having a heart attack. The Paramedics immediately decided that was a better job for an EMT, so there we are. This would be a good thing, if placing some of those stickers didn't require diving into the heart of darkness that is the underside of a 94 year old woman's 37lb breast that you have to start lifting from below her shin. I kid you not; this woman was scratching her left nipple with her big toe.

So there you have it. Rules for not smelling terrible in your old age, and for making the life of your medical care provider that much better. Oh, and really, no matter how bad they smell old ladies are still sweet as can be.

What I've Learned

2007-07-03T20:29:54Z

I've learned a lot of things in my life, we all have. But on reflection I've found that the things that I've learned from friends and family far outweigh the things I learned in school. Not that any of them help me particularly in my job or are of any true finacial value, but they are valuable in that they created a bond between myself and whomever was teaching me. I thought today I would share a few of the things I know.

From my mom I've learned how to cook. I can read a recipe, buy the appropriate items, and with a fair amount of success make a meal. She's also taught me how to look at a few items in the cupboards and prepare a meal or snack based simply off of whats at hand. I can make jellies, jams, and preserves. I fondly remember sitting in a steamy kitchen while my mom patiently cut up fruit or measured out pectin and glistening white sugar. She also taught me how to properly set a table, wash dishes, clean house, and garden. I can sew, not by using a machine, but by hand with needle and thread. Somehow I know how to darn a sock, not that its a skill I often use, but I can if need be. Finally, she taught me that sometimes true happiness comes from turning off the TV, sitting in a quiet place and reading a book.

My dad taught me how to fix things, build things, and if need be destroy things. I can do basic home repairs, minor construction projects, or even major ones with a little help. Dad taught me that just because something has broke doesn't mean that its broken. I can safely fell a tree so that it falls in the general direction of safety. I can use a chainsaw, an axe, a wood-splitter, even a hammer and wedge with success. He taught me how to hunt but that with the act of taking a life comes a great responsibility and respect. With that came the knowledge of how to properly handle and respect a firearm. Never have I thought a gun was a toy but rather a tool to be handled carefully. Most importantly he taught me temperance. Sometimes its best just to bear down and weather the storm than to fight against it.

My brothers have taught me how to share, wait my turn, and be patient. They have also taught me how to argue and even fight. I learned to ask nicely and accept "No" as a response. I learned to communicate long before I learned to talk, and I learned that sometimes no one understands you like your brothers.

My wife and taught me true love, something more valuable than gold. I've learned a different way of thinking and that not everything is black and white (but gray can be wonderful too). I've learned from her that even great disappointments can have a way of becoming great joys so long as you'll let them.

Finally, from my one year old, I've learned that sometimes the best thing in life is to let someone tickle you while you laugh your head off.