Cynical Hallmark moment
I really think Hallmark needs to meet the new millennium. Most of us have
shelled over $4 for a Hallmark card.
We feel guilty if we don't buy a card for a relative on Christmas,
Thanksgiving, Halloween, Secretary’s Day and the first day of spring. You're obviously
not a friend unless you send a card.
What's wrong with e-cards? Doesn't thinking about friends on the exact day
they were born constitute caring? Why are we supposed to think about them
three day before and try to account for postal delivery?
Plus, I’m a writer so the words I would choose to express my friendship,
admiration or congratulations would be my own, rather than something printed in
pink italics and written by a frustrated poet.
I also think there are gaps in the types of cards they offer us to buy for
the same amount of money we could purchase a tasty burrito at the taco wagon.
There should be some more modern greeting cards, be it paper or electronic.
• "So you're marrying a fireman. Get used to spending time alone" ... with a
picture of a woman out partying and dancing four nights a week."
• "Glad to hear you're out of prison."
• On a related note: "Congratulations on your new tattoo."
• "Too bad your divorce settlement didn't go the way you wanted. At least you can
bad-mouth the guy until your kid is 18."
• "Good job on the promotion. Now you can wield that evil side I've always
seen in you."
• Maybe there could be a section in Hallmark of "passive aggressive cards."
Cards that state "I know why you moved away. It's because you hate me."
Or the even more adorable: "I miss you. Why don't you call very often. Is it
because you think other people are more important?"
This card could have a cutout for you to insert a picture of your passive aggressive friend and a cartoon drawing of them doing something alone, like shopping or scarfing on Dove dark chocolates.
Dad wrote recently that he's looking forward to the times when technology can
transform e-cards to be more interactive.
For example, they will likely in the future actually have computer chip
capacity where you can send an e-card to an ex-boyfriend and a hologram will
reach out and slap him.
On a lighter side, you could send cards that holographically kissed your
loved one. That would be sweet.
Or a cordial "new neighbor" card where the neighbor electronically shakes
your hand.
Then there's always the "thinking of you" section of the greeting card aisle.
This could include cards such as: "I'm still thinking about that money you owe me," or
"It's been so long since I've seen you I forget what you look like."