How to gamble
Gambling is precarious.
It's hypnotic to watch all those flashing lights — melons and bells and Lucky 7s — whirring past.
Part of our brains go back to infancy. Like a mobile hung above a baby's crib, the rhythm of the slot machines creates a hypnotic distraction.
In the casinos you can walk through the aisles with almost total anonymity. Very few people look up from their slot machines to watch those who pass by. Only the occasional presence of a scantilly-clad cocktail waitress will draw a few men's eyes away from the turning wheels of luck.
The men at the game tables are intent upon the cards resting on the green felt. Each decision is weighty.
Invariably there is a bar in a corner where people are lingering. The house band plays dance-able 70s and 80s tunes, and a few couples shake a groove.
Some middle-aged man with a drink in his hand and his wrinkled shirt untucked at the waist will be buying a round of drinks to show off his gambling prowess. His friends are pretending to laugh at his jokes but wondering how they will get him home safely.
There are a few women dressed in silky dresses and smelling faintly of cigarettes and hairspray. They sit at the end of the bar, eyes darting across the room, pretending to hold a conversation with one another.
Then there are the people, mostly men, who walk swiftly through the glass doorways, with worn looks on their faces. These gamblers move in like ghosts, inserting the $20 bill up to the $1 slot machines. One prayer for each turn of the wheels, as their winning or losing combinations click into their final resting positions.
One, two, four, twenty, and the last of their paycheck is gone.
Occasionally you’ll see an older woman in a wheelchair, a plastic tube fitted nto her nostrils, as she puffs away at a cigarette and makes comfy in front of a machine by the aisle.
Mixed among the crowd, with lights from the machines making a strobe-like affect, are the recreational gamblers, couples out for a night to have fun.
They have a plan.
Here’s how we’ve worked it out:
Each person is given one semi-big bill to do with whatever they please. This includes buying a fast-food treat, gambling, eating at the buffet or hiding the money in your pocket.
After that big bill is gone (in this case a sawbuck), that's it. The fun is over.
Check in with the specials at the casino desk where you get one of those gambling cards you put into the slot machines.
The points you accrue while gambling should not be viewed as any kind of bonus. They add up so slowly, and it takes a heart-breakingly large amount of money played in the casino before you have enough points to cash in for a small token of your losses.
However, when you're only playing with $10 it's exciting when you see the readout on the LED screen on the slot machine and it says "17 points."
It's fun to high-five each other and make a big deal about 17 points.
If playing penny slots, big congratulatory kisses should be given when anyone wins more than 20 cents.
If inspiration to be frugal is needed, gaze over to the point totals on the players' LED screens next to you. If you do some math you can estimate how much money the player nearby has "played" to wrack up those thousands of points, push a button like that one, again and again.
We play the penny slots. I figure I could burn two hours losing $10 on penny slots or lose a lot more playing dollar slots. Sure, I'm trading in the potential to win a magical $10,000 or at least enough to pay rent. But with penny slots you feel like a big winner if you spend two hours having fun and walk away winning $2.12.
The key to gambling with a partner with whom you share a checking account:
Never let your partner say "I'll be back in a few minutes. I think I would have better luck if I played on my own."
This sentence means that your partner is either a) sneaking off to pull another $20 out of the ATM, b) going to a slot machine to try higher stakes or c) really stupid to think you wouldn't follow him after about two minutes.
If you're playing to lose only $10, any time you win $5 ahead of what you "invested" in the slot machine, those winnings should be pocketed, preferably in the bottom of the other person's shoe. This way, when the original $10 is gone, there is still $5 at the bottom of someone's shoe.
Near the end, is another crucial part of the gambling plan.
Once it's time to go home, one or the other of the two might have some remaining money in their machine to play. While the other player has nothing left, except for the money stashed in the other person's shoe. At this point it is tempting for the penniless person to draw another bill from their wallet. That's the time to go home and cash out.
No doubt, the whirring of the machine wheels will continue long after you have returned home.