Quick! We must name the other shopping days of Thanksgiving weekend

The creation of Small Business Saturday on Nov. 27 has made it painfully aware to me that America must name the remaining days of Thanksgiving weekend. It’s no longer enough that we have Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday or the granddaddy Black Friday — all seven days starting this Wednesday must have names.

Although I’m still working on my front-of-the-napkin notes, here’s my initial proposal.

(By the way, why do people always use the back of the napkin? The front works perfectly well.)

Why Not Wednesday? – You’re on the road, trying to get to grandma’s house while avoiding suffering a flat tire or being felt up by security agents. The stress is starting to mount. Some retail therapy is just the palliative. One little cookie, McRib or small appliance won’t hurt much (in the short term). Why not?

Try-to-Forget Thursday – OK, so Wednesday shopping didn’t help that much. You’re now at grandma’s house and remember why you only visit once a year. The blaring volume from the game on the HDTV in the family room rivals that of the screaming kids in the living room trying to re-enact the “Clash of the Titans” in a blanket fort. Shopping to the rescue once more as you sequester yourself in the guest room, hunched over a laptop perched precariously on a toy chest, trying to get good-sounding deals.

Apparently, this is actually becoming a strong online shopping day as many retailers start their Friday sales early on their websites, according to The Record in New Jersey.

Black Friday

Small Business Saturday

Still Shopping Sunday – You’re a marathoner and the race isn’t done. Get your second wind and get back out there. There’s got to be a second cousin out there that needs a knick-knack or commemorative candle that smells like crushed glass.

Cyber Monday

Tired Tuesday – You’ve been shopping non-stop for seven days. Perhaps it’s time to give you and your credit card a break? If you can’t resist, maybe you could buy some organizers or storage units to manage all of the things you bought on your week-long orgy of consumerism.

Of course, all of these named days are gimmicks. Black Friday was popularized by retailers as the busiest shopping day of the year (although it’s usually the days around Christmas). Cyber Monday was conjured up by online retailers to juice their Web sales.

Small Business Saturday is no different. As far as I can tell, it was devised by American Express as a promotion for its OPEN small business services.

Perhaps there is enough room for three big shopping days during the Thanksgiving weekend. Maybe if we work hard enough, we can push it to seven glorious celebrations of shopping.

So those are my ideas for the shopping days of Thanksgiving. What would you call them?

About Ryan Olson

Ryan is living every week like it's Shark Week.
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